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Brad Stern [Human Sailor Battlemage]
#1
Player: Stealthscout.

Character Full Name: Brad Stern.

Character In-Game Name: Brad.

Nicknames: Bradly.

Associations: Fourth star, Enclave of liberty.

Race: Human.

Class: Mage.

Skills and Abilities:
Land-a-ohy: Brad has been born to a family of sailors, he is himself a very skilled sailor, learning from his ancestors and from his own practice, he is also a navigator on the ship, he knows his ways on the open sea.

Battlemage: Brad does not only trust his skills as a journeyman mage and he is also learning how to defend himself with a cutlass, in battles he merges the two skills he has to be something people call: a battlemage.
Age: 24

Sex: Male.

Hair: Blond.

Eyes: Brown.

Weight: 260 Ibs
Height: 6'4

Usual Garments/Armor: Brad looks like the most typical sailor you could ever meet, he wears a loose white swasbuckler's shirt with his short pants and loose belt, a cutlass hanging by the side of the loose belt.

Personality: Brad is described as a quiet and serious man; he will mostly be the one listening to the conversation and not the one talking in it. He sits on the side at bars, looking at what is going on and prefers not to get into people's business. He is not that serious, and if someone were to include him in the conversation he would speak when he needs to. He can take a joke if need be as well.

Brad prefers not to show what he isn't good at, so he won't tell anyone he is a mage, most likely he will even forget he is one himself until the time comes in battle.

History: Brad was born to the family which liked sailing on the big ice breaker his family had a long with the ship captain Maraley who taught the sterns how to sail and handle a ship. The relationship between the family and the young high elf were tight. As a baby he stayed home and he never went out to the seas, his father wanted him to become a mage and not a sailor.

When Brad started getting smarter by nature, he found out about the bad relationship his family had with their rival family: the Wahdens. The Wahdens always been in eternal hatred for generation. Brad, his father and even his grandfather didn't know why, but it was there, the hatred continued as the two families always fought.

At that age, Brad got a private teacher to start getting mage training. Even though he did not use arcane physically until the age of fifteen, he did learn about spells and how they should work in theory. It did help him build a strong base before he would start having his actual mage training.

The second war came and passed, it didn't really affect Brad.
At the age of fifteen he started learning how to physically use the arcane. He started off pretty badly because he never did it before, but then all his hard work learning from books earlier paid off. He started doing pretty well, about half way through the year he could already start doing a very small but unstable fireball.

The third war came and Brad continued on his training even though the war, Brad ran away from the war as much as he could with his family.

At the age of sixteen his grandfather died. Maraley who already became blood elf and his family didn't like it, and Brad didn't care because he liked arcane, and they were really good at it, came to give her condolences. When she saw Brad she thought he was his own father but after a few words everything cleared up to the fact that she wanted to sail with him. He agreed because he wanted to go out to an adventure, even though he was learning from her how to sail, he still continued learning his way as a mage. His family did not like it and cut connection with Brad because he did that; they did try to persuade him to stay, but it did not help.

Brad went onto the bit ice breaker with Maraley, he learned how to become a Navigator for the ship and he slowly turned to the first mate in the ship. Maraley always flirted with Brad but he didn't like it, because she also flirted with his father, and his grandfather.
After a few years of being on the ship and working for the Argent Crusaders the rivalry between the Sterns and the Wahdens increased especially for Brad who had this hate circle between him and the ship sailor Reese Wahden. Brad always thought he was up to something because the Wahdens started to work with cultists, but he didn't have any hard evidence.

Until one day, when Reese decided to kill everyone on the ice breaker ship itself by bombing it. Brad saw that there is something wrong because there was a sacrificed chicken at the lower deck after he took Maraley to safety by using a scroll he always had with him because he was paranoid that Reese might do something, like that.
Brad and Maraley traveled to Booty Bay after their ship got bombed to try and get a newer ship and start their live from the start until, one day Brad was taken by the Wahdens and their companions to try and torture Brad, he told them everything I had to know but they still didn't believe him, continuing to torture them until Maraley got there to save him.

Today he continues to help Maraley, and he is about to join the Enclave of Liberty to add the Fourth star to the Enclave's arsenal of weapons.
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#2
...Wellp. The concept's all right. A swashbuckling sailor-mage.

But the grammar, wording and story can use polish. For instance, people are refered to by 'who' or 'whom', as opposed to 'which'. And, 'is continuing' should be 'continues', etc.

You could try running it through a Word or Open Office processor and picking out anything glaring through that, or ask a native speaker or equivalently proficient individual to help out.

Also, I liked the sacrificed chicken bit. That's just lulz.
[Image: 2hhkp3k.gif]
Recommended reads: Divine and Arcane. Also, elves.
Wanna refer me in Tribes: Ascend? Clickies!
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#3
Uhm.... like this?
Oh lol I know! Rini is the genius behind it.
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#4
You have a bunch of reeeeeally long sentences it'd be better to change up a bit. A good rule of thumb to keep in mind: if you can't say it all without pausing to take a breath, you should probably think about revising it.

For example:
Quote:Brad is described as a quiet and serious man he will mostly be the one listening to the conversation and not the one talking in it, sitting at the side at bars, looking at what is going on, he prefers not to get into people's business; but he is not that serious, if someone will include him in the conversation he will speak when he needs to, and he will be able to take a joke if need be.

If you can say that in one breath, you probably play a woodwind or horn instrument. :P Try breaking it up. You can probably get a good three or four sentences out of this monster.

Brad is described as a quiet and serious man; he will mostly be the one listening to the conversation and not the one talking in it. He sits on the side at bars, looking at what is going on and prefers not to get into people's business. He is not that serious, and if someone were to include him in the conversation he would speak when he needs to. He can take a joke if need be as well.

Y'see how that's a much neater and easier to read block of text now? Dividing up the words when you have too many ideas in one sentence is a good thing to try and do. See if you can do it in the rest of this; there's a few more of these runaway trains in there. Here's one (though there are more!)

Quote:The Wahdens always been in eternal hatred for generation, and brad, his father and even his grandfather didn't know why, but it was there, the hatred continued as the two families always fought.
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#5
Read everything out loud and gave a friend to read it out loud, he ran out of breath, oh well.
FIXED A LOT
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#6
Much better. Nice job!

I think that'll do it on my end. Keep up the improvement!

Approved!

Wikified!
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