Damn it, Twilight. You said the insightful stuff
I was going to say. Now what the hell am I going to say?
Well, then.
I know I have a reputation here. And, frankly speaking, I've never understood exactly
what I am to this community. Or why everyone goes crazy whenever I post. I haven't seriously been involved in RP for around 3 years. Oh, sure, every now and then I hop on to attend an event or shoot the shit....but I've considered myself a non-factor in the RP scene here for a long, long while.
And honestly, none of you really know me.
Yet, I'm still oddly drawn, oddly a part of this community. I'm
something to you all, and you all are
something to all me, and I've never been able to distinguish what that
something is.
I suppose it's because I love to hide in mystery. I love the audience. I love that I have a soapbox, for me to stand on and perform. It feeds my very frail, very fledgling ego; validates my ideas, opinions, and general wozziness of my persona. I look at my posts, see all the likes (of varying classes, too. Admins, GM's, peons 'n grunts of all different tribes and side like my stuff), and it makes me go "good job, existence. You did something other's approved of."
Seriously. I have more likes than actual posts. Who else has that? I think I am the only one.
@"Kretol", I demand a special sticker. The shiniest, most specialist one in ALL the pre-school.
I am a happy face that dances in absurdity, criticizing all sides while never aligning with one. Sometimes, I'll criticize the GM team; other times, I'll praise them. Sometimes, I'll grill the playerbase, other times, I'll champion them. No one really knows what I'll do, or what I'll say, because I'm not really sure either.
And it's comforting, in it's own way. I like making these elaborate, crazy, ranting 'n raving posts because it's cathartic, in it's own way. It's the only way I have a way of kind of validating myself. Not from this entirely (heavens no!), but it's one of the few things that I can cling to.
And that's a problem.
I'll take this opportunity to open up a little bit about myself. Though many of you know this already--I am a crazy recovering drug addict who's been institutionalized for long periods of times, twice, and has a long history of major depression, crippling anxiety, substance abuse, and suicidal ideation. I work a shitty night job at a hotel (I hate it) and have genuinely given up on just about everything. I do not have any real-life friends, because they'll all either dead, in jail, or vanished. I have very few online friends. Maybe, like, 3. I do not have any intimates, and I have no motivations or dreams of any kind. My major is mixed up and useless. I spent 7 years working for a degree that can't even get me a decent job. I'm so buried in debt that I cannot even build a savings account, despite working an average of 45 hours a week for 7 or so months while still living with my sickly parents. I regularly think about killing myself. I regularly get crippling depressed when I think about the state of the world, the global-political arena, the socio-economic structure of modern society, the exploitative nature of unfetterd globalized capitalism, the terrible actions of humanity and how I can't do anything about any of it ever. Sometimes, I can't stop drinking. Sometimes, I don't
want to stop drinking. Sometimes I think how great it'd be to start smoking heroin again, or how easy it would me to crawl back inside a pill bottle and never come out. As I am right now, I have nothing to live for. I'm broken, and I wish someone would erase me from ever being.
Basically, I'm all kinds of fucked. You knew this already, but it's kind of terrible and sad.
Quote: Damn it Krent, why haven't you talked about the current topic yet?! Also please get help the above paragraph is kind of really sad :c
Working on it.
Anyway, The reason why I'm opening up
just a little bit now is because...I figure this would be a good as time as any.
Many of you are saying your goodbyes. Many of you are raging against that good night. Many of you are too tired and confused as to really know what to do. And, for all of that, I can simply say this;
This event will be whatever you want it to be. Things are only important as you make them. You get what you invest, in all things.
If this is going to be a grand good bye where everything you hold dear ends? It will be.
If this is going to be a valiant struggle to find a new haven to roleplay in the Warcraft setting? It will be.
If this is going to be a devastation that you cannot recover from. It will be.
If this is going to be a crucible for you and your friends to endure, and grow a stronger connection with? It will be.
You can make this an end, a beginning, a positive, a negative, or all of the above
if you let it.
The opportunity warps in whatever shape you forge it in. Do you want it to be a cathartic goodbye--an end that forces you to walk away from something you once held dear? Then it shall be.
Do you want this to be the catalyst to explore a new work of fiction? A new setting, a new place to call home? Then it shall be.
Do you want this to be a calling-card to strengthen the bonds you've already forged--giving the people you care about more means of contacting you? Then it shall be.
The point I'm trying to make, is that this doesn't
have to be an end. Many of you have already stated that you're not going to stop RP'ing with the friends you've already made. Good.
Go on and do whatever it is you want to do, what you
feel you need to do. Reconnect, rebuild, strengthen.
This is only an end if you let it be.