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Kalisha Lokar [Human Squire]
#16
Sure thing! Let us know when you've re-written the profile to better reflect Kalisha as a squire and we'll give it a look over!

Thanks for your cooperation :)
Your stories will always remain...
[Image: nIapRMV.png?1]
... as will your valiant hearts.
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#17
Changed a few words here and there, the first paragraph received more modifications though in order to explain that her current lack of skills was due to a still on-going training and promises, with her pushing her back into it, of better results.

Not too much of a make-over, but I think that it fixes the little flaws here and there.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#18
Much better! There's a lot of spelling/grammatical errors though, but I don't have the time to identify them right now so I'll give you this nice shiny initial approval and maybe someone else can get to you on the structure of the profile. If not, I'll give it a review when I have more time.

Initial approval!
Your stories will always remain...
[Image: nIapRMV.png?1]
... as will your valiant hearts.
Reply
#19
Herastean Wrote:Alignment: N/A
Rather than leaving this blank, perhaps I could direct you to this mildly helpful Wiki page based on alignment.

Just continue scrolling down until you see the boxes with the traits of each alignment (they're numbered lists). That should help you, as it has always helped me.

Herastean Wrote:Also, her strong faith and lack of experience makes her naive and bounded, she'll defend her beliefs strongly, even if she could confuse herself and simply barricade herself in silence.
This is a run-on. Try breaking it into two sentences.
Valicor Wrote:Her strong faith and lack of experience makes her naive and bounded. She'll defend her beliefs strongly, even if she could confuse herself and simply barricade herself in silence.

~~ I had originally intended to point out every single little "error" I found, but that would be a much too long of a response. My recommendation? Fix what's mentioned above. The main problem I'm seeing is lots of run-ons!

Herastean Wrote:Concerning her life outside of the Cathedral, Kalisha doesn't seem to have that many friends, and most of them being totally different from one another, but it seems that she's very friendly with most of the other races and have a good going with Draenei in her town or outside it, mostly because of their own relation with the Light and the fact that they are a quite calm, quiet and peaceful race

This, as a whole, can and should be a paragraph, but I don't see any periods! ^ That above is a prime example of what I mean when I say run-ons.

I'd give the entire profile a good re-reading over, being very self-analyzing and critical of how long your sentences become. It may seem redundant to make some sentences split into two, or even three separate sentences, but it's much easier than trying to dissect long sections of run-on sentences.

I had the same problem with having lots of commas in unneeded places. I gave my profiles a scanning, really looking at every single sentence to see if a really really needed a comma. I'd recommend the same to you.

The profile, aside from these errors, is a good read. I'd also second CappnRob and suggest that you run this profile through a spell-checker, just to double- or triple-check everything.
[Image: 4ab673a110e5324a7acf57e330a6c8eb.jpg]
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#20
As you can see, I'm terrible when it comes to grammar so I'll go ahead and try to atleast remove commas and periods here and there, or add some but I can't promise much.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#21
The best way to go about it is to read a sentence. Does the sentence have more than 2 commas? Read the sentence, and cut the sentence at these commas. Create two separate sentences from these fragments, and form them into whole sentences so that they aren't choppy to the flow of reading.

It's a slow and grueling process, I know, but it's one of the best way I've helped to improve myself and have seen others improve in this particular area of grammar.
Even if you can't fix every single run-on, do your best.

CappnRob Wrote:Thanks for your cooperation :)

EDIT--
As an example.

Herastean Wrote:Concerning her life outside of the Cathedral, Kalisha doesn't seem to have that many friends, and most of them being totally different from one another, but it seems that she's very friendly with most of the other races and have a good going with Draenei in her town or outside it, mostly because of their own relation with the Light and the fact that they are a quite calm, quiet and peaceful race.

Break this up at the commas.

Herastean Wrote:Concerning her life outside of the Cathedral. Kalisha doesn't seem to have that many friends. and most of them being totally different from one another. but it seems that she's very friendly with most of the other races and have a good going with Draenei in her town or outside it. mostly because of their own relation with the Light and the fact that they are a quite calm, quiet and peaceful race.

Now that you have these fragments, use them to form smaller sentences.

Valicor Wrote:Concerning her life outside of the Cathedral, Kalisha doesn't seem to have that many friends. Most of them can be totally different from one another, but it seems that she's very friendly with most of the other races, and has a good going with Draenei in her town. This is due mostly to their own relation with the Light and the fact that they are a quite calm, quiet and peaceful race.

I hope the example was just a little more helpful. This doesn't necessarily mean to edit every run-on and replace commas with periods, but to just go through that process in your mind to create several sentences.
[Image: 4ab673a110e5324a7acf57e330a6c8eb.jpg]
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#22
Quote:Rather than leaving this blank, perhaps I could direct you to this mildly helpful Wiki page based on alignment.

Just continue scrolling down until you see the boxes with the traits of each alignment (they're numbered lists). That should help you, as it has always helped me.

Alignments are optional and as a rule we don't enforce them. Some of our playerbase finds the concept shallow or silly.
Your stories will always remain...
[Image: nIapRMV.png?1]
... as will your valiant hearts.
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#23
Meh, it was more a suggestion. It helps visualize the character more, and put motives behind actions in the history.

By all means, Herastean, I didn't intend to make it sound as if I'm demanding you choose an alignment. :x
[Image: 4ab673a110e5324a7acf57e330a6c8eb.jpg]
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#24
I approve of a squire. I just didn't approve of a full-fledged paladin who is a horrible fighter.
Quote:[8:53AM] Cassius: Xigo is the best guy ever. he doesn't afraid of anything.
[-] The following 3 users Like Xigo's post:
  • flammos200, CappnRob, JTJP770
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#25
Story edited out. Few grammatical errors fixed here and there.
Also, I've removed quite an important quantity of commas and restructured the phrases so that they're easier to read.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#26
It looks much better, now! A FH should be around shortly to slap the 2/2 on this baby. Thanks, again, for being so cooperative. It makes this process a lot easier.
[Image: 4ab673a110e5324a7acf57e330a6c8eb.jpg]
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#27
The profile is looking good, and these things have been addressed, but she's got two scales (one beside weight, one beside height). She should only have one scale, as that's all that is possible in game. So go with her in-game scale (which should be in accordance with your character's height).

We also need an OOC class.
[Image: anim_500.gif]
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#28
Fixed!
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#29
Approved!

Wikified!
[Image: anim_500.gif]
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