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Sally Redburn [Ex-Defias, Human Warlock]
#1
Player: Hyenaskate

Character Full Name: Sally Redburn

Character In-Game Name: Sally

Nickname(s): None

Association(s): Herself

Race: Human

Class: Warlock

Skills and Abilities: Affliction, slow and steady damage.

Age: 25

Sex: Female

Hair: Black

Eyes: Dark Green

Weight: 150 lbs

Height: 5'7

Appearance:

She's 5'7 feet tall, but quite a curvaceous girl. Her facial features look around the age of twenty. Her skin is pale, doesn't look like a very healthy person, because of that. She has long black wavy hair, the ends of her hair almost reaching her butt. Her naturally narrowed eyes have charcoal drawn around them, probably to protect against infections and things like that, since her own immune system doesn't work that good either. Her head is most of the time slightly tilted down, giving her a submissive look almost saying: 'You might hurt me if I look at you.' as it looks like you are always looking down on her, since she always looks up.

Usual Garments/Armor:

She wears slightly ragged clothes, like those of someone who doesn't have a lot of money and made their own clothes, but they seemed thick enough to keep her warm as they are made out of animal fur. Sometimes she can also be seen seen in dresses. She mostly just looks like a villager.

Personality:

She is a girl with many personality 'masks', never really showing her real personality as she consciously changes into these masks. Most of the time she acts like a shy girl, but sometimes she could suddenly seem very social too.. She likes deception and manipulation, she uses it to gain information and peoples trust since she really wishes to have control over the situation. But she also uses it to get friends, she could be very good friends with someone but still act not like herself.

The personalities itself do not seem very different, all of them have some qualities of her 'original self' in them. The things she changes are things such as acting shy, social, insecure, angry, hating, helpful.. But she herself always likes deep discussion, always likes to know the person in front of her, how do their emotions work? can I influence them?

She dislikes ignorant people, guards and any person that has to do with politics. Her emotions work quite strange, affected by the fel and use of shadow magic.. When she steps into the Warlock self, she usually stays anonymous. She sees it as another act, the one that has to punish and teach people.. She doesn't enjoy killing, but she does enjoy torture to those who deserve it in her opinion.

History:

Sally was born in Elwynn Forest during the reconstruction of Stormwind. Her twenty year old mother raised her on he own as her father died during the construction, a few months before Sally was born. She was born too early, with a weak heart that did not pump as well as it should to deliver oxygen-rich blood to her body's cells. Her mother could not take care of a sick child on her own and left her behind, due to panic, emotional problems, fear and the belief that the child will be better off. She was left behind in Elwynn forest, soaked from the rain when another lady found her. She was a normal villager, named Kayla. Kayla was a lower class citizen and did not make much money. With the help of her friends, she was able to afford most of the costs of raising Sally.

When Stormwind was rebuilt, many of the masons weren't paid for the work they had done for helping to rebuild Stormwind. The economic problems only became worse, especially for the lower class. Rumour had it that freedom fighters were formed, named: ‘The Defias brotherhood.’ A lot of friends of Kayla joined them, Kayla did too, in hope it would be better. Kayla noticed Sally wasn't as strong as the other kids. She could not easily play with the other kids because when she did, she tired herself or got angry, turned white and passed out. The other kids were all taught to fight and to hide, Sally was just taught to hide, because she wasn't able to fight, making her start to feel useless. Most of the kids just said she was useless, telling her she should just go away, "If you don’t have any skills to offer, why are we protecting you?" they asked.

She did have one friend, his name was Mark. Mark never talked much, he lived mostly in a world of his own. A very calm guy, Sally liked him a lot. He was always thinking deeply, they had many in-depth philosophical discussions, about good and evil, among other things. He too, was avoided by most others, because his dad used the ‘Dark Arts’. Sally also sometimes was a bit scared of his dad, but she thought all that power seemed very interesting too. It didn't take long before his father was killed by one of his own demons. Mark was left, soon taken away by the guards forced to join an Orphanage.

When she was around the age of fourteen, Kayla told Sally that she wasn't her real mother and that she was found in the forest. Sally was quite confused by it, but she couldn't get angry, she had a lot of respect for Kayla and all that she did. She was somewhat curious who her real mother was, but didn’t make much effort to search for her. She saw the Defias as her family, even the kids that used to bully her became wiser, they just became like annoying brothers. In her opinion she had much more luck, not many people had such a big close family who would put their lives on the line for each other every day.

Sally learned to make use of her weaknesses. She saw how easily she got something to eat, just by acting helplessly. She could easily smuggle items, even if she got caught she could easily get away with it. She made really good use of herself, she was finally useful. She became almost obsessed with manipulating people, that way she had power over them, something she couldn't even dream to have been physically possible. Her masks were her shields, she could easily act all innocent, since she was so short. It became a game to her, how far she could push the limits and when discovered, what would be her extra shield? She could just cry, that used to work.

Lately the Defias didn't seem like just freedom fighters any more more a pack of bandits. There was too much unnecessary violence, in her opinion. Many people in the Defias didn't seem to fight for freedom any more but just for hate. Sally left the Defias because of that, but still swore to protect all those who had protected her.

She attempted to reach the other side of Azeroth (Kalimdor), by sneaking in a ship that was going towards Ratchet – she did succeed. She met a lady on the ship, Sally had caught her attention. She was offered the choice to serve her. In return she would get food, shelter, and learn to use the dark arts herself. The choice was easily made, travelling alone she wouldn't survive easily anyway and she got offered power. She knew how dangerous the power was, how much it was looked down upon. She thought she was wise enough to keep such power. She wouldn't be looked down upon, because ‘She’ wouldn't be the one using it. She would just make another ‘mask’ for herself. The one she would use to punish people, putting on a mask when using this magic, so that she couldn't be recognized, and just another game for her.

She was most interested in shadow and curses. Things that could torture was what she was interested in. Demons she didn't work that much with, only when she really needed to she summoned one and made a pact, for whatever the reason was. The Void Walker was most interesting to her, that demon listened the most. Her hate towards guards and ignorant people that had strong opinions grew larger. Her mind became corrupted, not only by the addiction, but also by the things she had to do. She still helped out her 'family' and also made sure Kayla wouldn’t have any problems with matters such as food and shelter any more. Since she had power now, she could do that.

She searches for more and more power and keeps her mind under control as much as she can.
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#2
"Her womanly are quite "

Womanly what?

You tend to switch from third person to first or second person throughout the text. Revise that, as well as long, drawn out sentences with disconnected clauses.

Also, an out in the open warlock summoning demons like Mark's father'd get lynched by normal, law-abiding citizens before even being sanctioned - keep in mind, even the Defias fear fel-magic.
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Recommended reads: Divine and Arcane. Also, elves.
Wanna refer me in Tribes: Ascend? Clickies!
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#3
"Her womanly are quite "

Quote: Womanly what?

Fixed that..

Quote: You tend to switch from third person to first or second person throughout the text. Revise that, as well as long, drawn out sentences with disconnected clauses.

I do not completely understand you, could you list and example.

Quote:Also, an out in the open warlock summoning demons like Mark's father'd get lynched by normal, law-abiding citizens before even being sanctioned - keep in mind, even the Defias fear fel-magic.

I know, "He too, was avoided by most others, because his dad used the ‘Dark Arts’." but there was not an open summoning. "The stories of how some of the demons we summoned,"
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#4
(04-24-2013, 02:55 AM)hyenaskate Wrote: A very calm guy, Sally really liked him, he was always thinking deep, they most of the time had many deep philosophical discussions, about good and evil, that kind of stuff.

This is an example of one of the long run on sentences. To shorten it, you could do something like this:

Quote:A very calm guy, Sally liked him very much. He was always deep in thought. They would often have deep philosophical discussions about good and evil, among other things.

Also, Sally cannot be a current member of the Defias. She can be an ex-Defias, but not currently affiliated with them due to the rule about being a part of a hostile faction.
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Mah babehs. I'm watchin' you, government.
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#5
Thank you :)

Well, I've edited it a bit.
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#6
Quote:The things she changes are things such as acting shy, social, insecure, angry, hating, helpful.. But she herself always likes deep discussion, always likes to know the person in front of her, how do their emotions work?

An ellipsis is three dots, not just two, and there is no space or capital letter after it. There's another few ellipses in the personality like that too, so be sure to get them too.

Quote:Sally was born in Elwynn Forest during the rebuilt of Stormwind, from a single twenty year old mom.

You want reconstruction, not rebuilt! Rebuilt is a verb, and you want a noun.

Quote:Her father died a few months before she was born during the construction.

This sentence is a little unclear. Did he die during the construction, or was she born during the construction? Place a comma somewhere in there, or rearrange it a bit (and also add a comma).

Quote:Her mom could not take care of a sick child on her own and left her behind, a result of panic, emotional problems, fear and the belief that the child will be better off.

This is a comma splice! What that means is you have two sentences/complete clauses in one, and you separated them using a comma. You have a few options here. "…and left her behind, a result of panic…" is the point where the comma splice is. You can either turn it into a period and rewrite the second half of the sentence to be a complete sentence, replace it with a dash, or replace it with a colon.

Quote:She wasa normal villager, named Kayla.

There is a space that needs to go in there, between "was" and "a."

Quote:Kayla was a lower class citizen did not make much money.

There should be a "that" in between "citizen" and "did."



…This is getting a bit nitpicky overall. I would strongly urge you to read through the profile carefully and find places where the grammar is off. If you need help, you can PM me or another forum helper, or a friend with a firm grasp of English.
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#7
Edited it, alright now?
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#8
There's some concern over her overall appearance, notably her height, weight and figure. She's extremely short (4'7" qualifies for dwarfism), she's described as being sickly and weak.... but she has a curvaceous figure, despite being malnourished? That... really does not make any sort of sense. Curvaceousness comes from a healthy lifestyle and eating well, and is difficult to obtain when you're much shorter than normal.
Your stories will always remain...
[Image: nIapRMV.png?1]
... as will your valiant hearts.
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#9
(05-01-2013, 12:13 PM)CappnRob Wrote: There's some concern over her overall appearance, notably her height, weight and figure. She's extremely short (4'7" qualifies for dwarfism), she's described as being sickly and weak.... but she has a curvaceous figure, despite being malnourished? That... really does not make any sort of sense. Curvaceousness comes from a healthy lifestyle and eating well, and is difficult to obtain when you're much shorter than normal.

Actually, it doesn't say that she is malnourished now. It does say that she LOOKS sickly, but doesn't say she IS a biological wreck.
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#10
I've changed her height to 5'7
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#11
She's still written as if she's short (mentions of a small frame and looking down upon her in appearance). Also is she sickly from looking pale, or does she look emaciated? I guess it's from being pale since she's still described as curvy.

Sorry for holding this up, just wanted to point those things out.
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#12
(05-02-2013, 09:19 AM)Wuvvums Wrote: She's still written as if she's short (mentions of a small frame and looking down upon her in appearance). Also is she sickly from looking pale, or does she look emaciated? I guess it's from being pale since she's still described as curvy.

Sorry for holding this up, just wanted to point those things out.

That's not a problem :)

Yes, I've fixed that.. Forgot to chance that, when I made her tall again. She just looks sick from being pale. I've deleted the malnourish part completely, so it never happened. Also, further it the text, when it says: "Sick child" I mean the heart disease :)
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#13
Between Personality and History, and among the paragraphs in History, you've spaced out a few too many times. You only need one blank row.
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Recommended reads: Divine and Arcane. Also, elves.
Wanna refer me in Tribes: Ascend? Clickies!
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#14
Edited
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#15
Pointing out a few errors in spelling and grammar that I noticed at a glance:

Quote:Sally was born in Elwynn Forest during the reconstruction of Stormwind,

This sentence should end with a period, not a comma.

Quote:A very calm guy, Sally likes him a lot.
Likes should be liked.

Quote:She attempted to reach the other side of Azeroth (Kalmidor)

Kalmidor should be spelled Kalimdor.

As a side note,

Quote:The stories of how some of the demons he summoned, gave Sally a strange feeling.. Skulls of those destroyed by love and passion, fashioned into cups and drinking virgin blood with them. Placed into a circle to summon a Succubus.

The questline for summoning succubi takes a few different methods depending on your faction alignment or race. For the undead it's taking the hearts of men (literally) but for humans it's using a “symbol of love” as bait and in this case it's heartswood. Either way if you want to follow the "lore-defined" method I would go with the symbol of love because it's there in-game.

The thing is the human doesn't quite have to find skulls and virgin blood, and in the heart of human civilization I don't know why he'd take such a risk, given how incredibly illegal it would be, and how it would be easily associated with the scourge or undeath (gathering body parts for ritual). If he was summoning demons this way, there probably wouldn't be stories to hear about as it would be a pretty tight secret.

Initial approval!
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