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Bhaal Shadowstrike [Orc Rogue]
#16
I've made a ton of improvement on the profile! Thanks so much to the people who have commented, trust me it was helpful.

Anymore help would be appreciated ;)
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#17
You asked me to read, and read I shall. I will focus on history, as I do love me some history. Let's go.

(Using this for reference: http://wiki.conquestofthehorde.com/Official_Timeline )

Quote:Age: 27

Alright, 27. Born on year 2.

Quote:His mother died a year before Doomhammer and his ragged band were captured. Korkas Nightstrike and Bhaal himself were also taken. Thus, from age two to eighteen, this Orc lived in an interment camp on Azeroth. Life was certainly brutal, with little food and little pride. Surrounded by broken forms, of a once glorious people, according to the stories, Bhaal despaired. He found joy only in the extra bits of food he could find.

The Second War started and ended on year 6 (Not counting Beyond the Dark Portal, freeing the Dragon Queen as part of the Second War). Perhaps change your mother dying a year to a few months. You have Bhaal living in the camp from 2-18. However, he would have been 4 when he went into the camp, and 16 when Thrall freed his people.

Quote:He managed to flee one lucky day and left the camp, leaving his father and his people behind. With him came four other Orcs, including women.

Bhaal seemed to have the will to escape instead of just giving up like every other orc due to lethargy. What happened?

Quote:Near two years later, they were ambushed and the others were captured.

As mentioned, Thrall would free the orcs on year 18. If you want to keep the two years, have Bhaal in the camp from 4-14, or change it to a few months, OR have Bhaal find the Warsong or Frostwolves, since they were never captured by the Alliance.

Quote:After freeing the Darkspears, Thrall and the clans founded Orgrimmar. Here Bhaal had a place, and despite being a rogue, was feared and respected.

Okay.

Quote:Soon, however, the day came when the Legion attacked. The Third War began

Nope. You got events reversed. The founding of Orgrimmar occurred one year after the defeat of the Legion and end of the Third War.

So, fixes. Yep yep. Being me, I would suggest adding some more to the history about other events. How did he feel about Kul Tiras making a move on Durotar and Jaina's father taking over Theramore (which occurred during the founding of Orgrimmar)? What was his reaction to the Forsaken being allowed to join? What about the Sin'dorei? Where was he when the Dark Portal reopened and the Lich King attacked the major cities of the Alliance and Horde?
[-] The following 2 users Like Mathias's post:
  • flammos200, Kull
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#18
(04-01-2013, 10:55 PM)Mathias Wrote: You asked me to read, and read I shall. I will focus on history, as I do love me some history. Let's go.
I was using the Orc Timeline on the wiki, which is outdated. I realize that now.
Quote:Age: 27
The Second War started and ended on year 6 (Not counting Beyond the Dark Portal, freeing the Dragon Queen as part of the Second War). Perhaps change your mother dying a year to a few months. You have Bhaal living in the camp from 2-18. However, he would have been 4 when he went into the camp, and 16 when Thrall freed his people.

Fixed before when you reminded me that the orc timeline on the wiki is outdated.

(04-01-2013, 10:55 PM)Mathias Wrote: Bhaal seemed to have the will to escape instead of just giving up like every other orc due to lethargy. What happened?

Most became complacent and lethargic, but not all. My argument is that Bhaal was youthful, filled with the stories of past greatness, and by personality difference -- defiant. Also, connected to youthfulness. A desire to prove oneself. So I'll put that in.

(04-01-2013, 10:55 PM)Mathias Wrote: As mentioned, Thrall would free the orcs on year 18. If you want to keep the two years, have Bhaal in the camp from 4-14, or change it to a few months, OR have Bhaal find the Warsong or Frostwolves, since they were never captured by the Alliance.


Fixed this before as well.

(04-01-2013, 10:55 PM)Mathias Wrote: Nope. You got events reversed. The founding of Orgrimmar occurred one year after the defeat of the Legion and end of the Third War.

Dat is good to know, mon. Tanks.

(04-01-2013, 10:55 PM)Mathias Wrote: So, fixes. Yep yep. Being me, I would suggest adding some more to the history about other events. How did he feel about Kul Tiras making a move on Durotar and Jaina's father taking over Theramore (which occurred during the founding of Orgrimmar)? What was his reaction to the Forsaken being allowed to join? What about the Sin'dorei? Where was he when the Dark Portal reopened and the Lich King attacked the major cities of the Alliance and Horde?

*bangs head on table* Just kidding, haha. All good points.

Alright man I appreciate the commentary, I'll definitely utilize a lot of these suggestions.
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#19
The profile has improved dramatically! Crazy

Thanks to everyone who helped ;) I'm looking forward to further improvements. Of course, it's quite long now...but good I believe.

Any other suggestions and constructive critiques would be much appreciated!!
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#20
The improvements that you've made to this profile are staggering. Well done.

Initial approval!
[-] The following 1 user Likes Scout's post:
  • Kull
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#21
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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#22
Approved [Pending Gruntship]!
[Image: 6RpTZgI.gif]
[-] The following 1 user Likes Rowgen's post:
  • Kull
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#23
I could hug you!!!
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#24
Wikified!
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