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Kalisha Lokar |Paladin|
#1
((Retcon of an old character, subject is under discussion in the PD board still but one GM appears to be OK with it so I decided to post my profile here and wait for other GMs answers.

Link to the PD board discussion : http://www.conquestofthehorde.com/Thread...es-Kalisha ))

Player: Herastean

Character Full Name: Kalisha Lokar

Character In-Game Name: Kalisha

Nickname(s): N/A

Association(s): Church of the Holy Light

Race: Human

Class: Paladin

Age: 18

Sex: Female

Hair: Long black hair

Eyes: Green

Weight: 130 lbs

Height: 5.5 ft

Usual Garments/Armor: Kalisha is often wearing her paladin armor, she sometimes changes for a lighter robe during special occasions. When wearing her armor and in public she'd be covering her face and hair most of the time, making sure her outfit is clean. The armor itself is mostly composed of plate, the mail having removed to make it lighter.

Alignment: Good

Personality: A shy and mature person, she'll have difficulties engaging a conversation and will mostly answer to questions asked. Also naive and bounded, she'll defend her beliefs strongly, even if she could confuse herself and simply barricade herself in silence. She's easily impressionable and will follow her superiors orders without a complaint.

History: Kalisha Lokar is the only daughter of mister Olak Lokar and madam Ziva Lokar, an average Stormwind couple. Kalisha is 18 years old and probably one of the most unusual Paladin the Church ever had in years. Barely capable of using the Light in both offensive and defensive ways she also have difficulties during spares because of her regular tripping over her own equipement, the young adult is not only lacking skills in the physical work asked to Paladins. Passing a good amount of time in the Library, baricading herself in silence she fears that anything she could do or simply think of doing might lead her on a wrongfull path. The young Kalisha was raised in the fear and religious wave that reached Stormwind between the Second and Third war, Lordaeron was lost when she reached her 10 years. Since the cradle Kalisha was raised in the pure tradition of the Holy Light, her parents indeed desired to see their daughter to embrace the glorious way of priesthood and by the same way protect herself from the Plague which was destroying their loved Kingdom and World.

As she grew up she joined the church as a simple altar server, receiving an education mostly financed by her father as he desired to see her succeed in the way they choose for her. After a few years of pious readings, learning and training she passed different sacraments and reached up the squire position in the Holy Light church, directly helping the paladins in their tasks and taking instructions from different highly placed religious also allowing her to access the library, a place in which the young lady will pass the most of her time.

The young Kalisha is well known from her brothers and sisters of faith to be an expert of their library. A post that she really appreciate due to her passion for reading, able to find any book asked and also for knowing most of it, sometime by heart. The young lady is also known to be a disaster in the Light usage as in healing or any other spells required for an average priest along as her terrible capability to fight. The trainers came to point in which they decided to slow the lessons a little and leave her the time to progress in a soft way.

Concerning her life outside of the Cathedral Kalisha doesn't seem to have that many friends, and most of them being totally different from one another but it seems that she's very friendly with most of the other races and have a good going with Draeneis in her town or outside it, mostly because of their own relation with the Light and the fact that they are a quite calm, quiet and peaceful race. Her relations with the races are quite different and complicated, depending on their occupation, sex and simply affiliation.

Kalisha's life had a few changes recently. New friends, new activities, new places and new habits also. She was surprised on how many different persons could actually have the same kind of activities than her or simply be hanging at the same place. The most important thing about Kalisha since that she left the Cathedral for small trips around Azeroth is her point of view on the different races.

As she remained in Stormwind and the Cathedral, most of the persons she encounter were Humans even though if sometimes Draeneis¯ happened to head there to discuss with their light-following allies. She always had a kind of attraction for this so special race that were mostly like her own, but totally different in the habits, points of view on the life and Light or simply the look. Her old passion of reading allowed her to move on what is now one of her favorite hobbies : learning new languages and cultural habits of the races around Azeroth, that they'll be from either the Horde or the Alliance, even though she don't want to go in the Horde territory alone.

Concerning the last major events of Azeroth History that were the Third, Outland and Northrend wars, Kalisha never occupied an important place for several reasons. The first reasons are mainly her young age. Kalisha was ten years old when the Third War started, her sixteen years old age also denied her any possibility to act during the Outland invasion by the Alliance and Horde common efforts.

As she reached majority, Kalisha was announced as able to take part in the war effort for the new Alliance army war act, the invasion of Northrend for the war against the Lich King. Even though Kalisha was unable to take part in any fight she found the way to make herself useful for the Church and the Army as the assistant librarian and a squire. Kalisha was used to write and calculate and the affluence of fresh warriors and new light-users going for honor and glory in the North had to be added to the list of warriors present for the War against the Lich King. Also her basic knowledge of medical care allowed her to head to the back of the lines and proceed with assistance towards the wounded.

The Church of Light being the most important light-users organization in the world, keeping track of every paladin, priestess or affiliated member was a real problem in a period of war as the human losses were important at each battle and even each day in the last assaults against the Ice Crown fortress. This new position in the Church never forced Kalisha to move as every important decision and archives were in Stormwind for the whole war and as most of the new soldiers arrival were made on the harbor placed behind the Cathedral square.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#2
Alrighty. While you wait, there are a few corrections that can be made in order to speed the approval process along should it escape the PD forum. For starters, there is an unnecessary ] proceeding Player: Herastean

There seem to be few spelling errors but there are a number of gramatical issues that need to be addressed, particularly in regards to sentence fragments, run-on sentences and improper use of punctuation. I'll include a few examples below but my advice is to drop the text into MS Word or a similar text editor of your choosing as this will flag the majority of them. Additionally there is a slight tendency towards an inconsistent use of present/past tense. Finally there are several instances of unneccesary capitalization that should be addressed.

Quote:Usual Garments/Armor: Mostly wearing her paladin armor, she migh sometimes changes for a much more lighter robe for special occasions. If wearing her armor, and in public, she'd be covering her face and hair most of the time and make sure her outfit is clean. The armor itself is mostly composed of plate, the mail having been removed to make it lighter.

Quote:Personality: A shy and mature person, she'll have difficulties to engage a conversation and will mostly answer to questions asked. Also naive and bounded, she'll defend her beliefs strongly, even if she can get confused and simply barricade herself in silence. Impressionable, she'll be following her superiors orders that they'll be priests or paladins.

Quote:History: Kalisha Lokar, only daughter of mister Olak Lokar and madam Ziva Lokar, an average Stormwind couple, 18 years old, is probably one of the most unusual Paladin the Church ever had in years. (Run-on. Try to distribute some of this information into a series of compete sentences.)

The major things you are going to want to look at are the structure of many of the sentences, excessive or missing punctuation and most of all, the tense in which you provide the history. This last part is occasionally tricky as there are occasions when your tense might change based on the situation, though I believe in this case it should be a rather simple adjustment. I restricted my overview to grammar and sentence structure issues as any concerns regarding lore consistency or server policy will likely be broached in your PD thread. Grammar is something you can take care of in the meantime. I would be happy to help polish out any remaining errors after you have corrected a substantial amount of the above mentioned issues.
[Image: stonetalon-mountains.jpg?w=760]
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#3
Proceeded with modifications in the Personnality and Usual Garments parts, also used a spell-check software as adviced.
I also added a few lines as asked and reviewed the rest of the text for any particular mistake I made.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
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#4
Quote: Kalisha Lokar, only daughter of mister Olak Lokar and madam Ziva Lokar, an average Stormwind couple, 18 years old, is probably one of the most unusual Paladin the Church ever had in years.

After reading through, I've noticed a lot of sentences like this. You might want to comb through and reword some of it to avoid the overuse of commas. An example would be like this...

"Kalisha Lokar is the only daughter of mister Olak Loktar and madam Ziva Lokar, an average Stormwind couple. Kalisha is 18 years old and is probably one of the most unusual Paladins the Church has ever had in years."


This would also fix some of the awkward flow, like the addition that she's eighteen after describing her parents as a couple in Stormwind.
[Image: desc_head_freemasons.jpg]

△Move along.△


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#5
Modified a few phrases in order to remove excessive comas, also removed some in places where they were not needed. Might need another view on that though. I love to abuse these funny littles signs on my keyboard.
Yorrick Von Überwald - Night-Watch member, Alliance soldier, Worgen hunter, adventurer and cuddly mass of muscles and fangs at times.

All dem alts :
Altaally - Super spacegoat from planet Baaaa with hooves that makes "clip-clop".
Emily Arlendel - "Have you heard about the Light yet?" Missionnary and doctor.
Nilsaanai Silverwhisper - Priestess in training and fully clothed elf.
Julia Torl - "Bar fight!" Brawler, brat and inactive charact-.. Eh, oops.
Eleanor Sunbloom - A mage who has no problem passing through doors.
Chayton Thornhands - George, George, George of the Jungle...

Here lies :
Kalisha Lokar, Deacon of the Church of the Holy Light. Wanna be everybody's friend.
[-] The following 1 user Likes Herastean's post:
  • Nikodemos
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#6
Approved!
[Image: desc_head_freemasons.jpg]

△Move along.△


△△
△△△
△△△△

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#7
Wikified!
[Image: stonetalon-mountains.jpg?w=760]
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