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Special [Human] Kristoff Oberwald Aegilmar [Knight-Champion]
#16
Done. Decided to take out any sort of "..for he warned the House of _____" or any major name because after some thought, I think that'd be a bit too powerful in his right to be able to speak with lore character.

Added a little paragraph on what Kristoff and his men did once the expedition took place and what his forces did as Stormwind was being completed.
Spoiler:
THERE IS NO POINT TO BE ALIVE, IF YOU CAN'T DO DEADLIFT.
[Image: jon_pall_sigmarsson_b35428d97635b2e7c405...2df3c3.gif]

Spoiler:
[Image: SQ0XvlU.gif]
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#17
It's almost ready for a first approval, but I question him "warning Stormwind" of the Orcs in the Second War, when Stormwind would have been sacked and controlled/ruled by the orcs by that time. I would change it to just warning a general or superior officer.

There's also this.
Quote:The outbreak of the Undead Scourge in Lordaeron and Quel'Thalas, which Stormwind thought the superpower could handle on it's own while they rebuilt a kingdom in ruins. Late in the year, Kristoff had developed a strange fit of depression. Even with such stoic and unforgiving childhood, and the hardships of his later life, a man could crumble and break in so years worth of bloodshed and warfare.

What was the point of mentioning the Scourge in Lordaeron and Quel'Thalas? It doesn't feel necessary to your story.
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#18
Done.
Spoiler:
THERE IS NO POINT TO BE ALIVE, IF YOU CAN'T DO DEADLIFT.
[Image: jon_pall_sigmarsson_b35428d97635b2e7c405...2df3c3.gif]

Spoiler:
[Image: SQ0XvlU.gif]
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#19
I can first approval (1/2) this. Thank you for your patience.

Only thing I would note is that you should mention his Knight-Champion rank in the profile, but I'm not going to hold back an approval for that.
[-] The following 1 user Likes Mathias's post:
  • Altaine
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#20
Quote: When the Second War had come, it was Kristoff who warned Stormwind of the oncoming invasion of a second Orcish Horde through the Eastern Mountains and reporting of several warbands charging north

Mathias suggested you change this, but it's still here. I'm going to echo his suggestion.

You also need to mention in the associations or Skills/Abilities what his military rank is (Knight-Champion of Stormwind, for example). I only knew you wanted Knight-Champion because I read the responses; it needs to be in the profile itself.

In the future, it should be in the thread title as well, so we can tell quickly what it is you're applying for. Example:

Quote: [Human Noble] Kristoff Oberwald Aegilmar [Knight Champion]
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#21
(10-11-2013, 03:41 AM)JVNemesis Wrote:
Quote: When the Second War had come, it was Kristoff who warned Stormwind of the oncoming invasion of a second Orcish Horde through the Eastern Mountains and reporting of several warbands charging north

Mathias suggested you change this, but it's still here. I'm going to echo his suggestion.

@JVNemesis I did, that's why he put an approval because I made the mistake of the houses and etc. He warned Stormwind in general, because off the top of my head I can't think of a major general that would act immediately to help this threat and I didn't want to seem boundary-stepping with warning a prince or king.

and thread changed, placed in skills.
Spoiler:
THERE IS NO POINT TO BE ALIVE, IF YOU CAN'T DO DEADLIFT.
[Image: jon_pall_sigmarsson_b35428d97635b2e7c405...2df3c3.gif]

Spoiler:
[Image: SQ0XvlU.gif]
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#22
I'm a little bit uncomfortable with the formulation of what JV pointed out. The profile as a whole looks fine, even if the character seems to have been all over the place and pretty consistently chasing the spotlight, just out of reach of putting himself right there with the lore figures.

If you could reformulate it in such a way that it doesn't imply his warning was the warning, I'll be all good. :)
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#23
Fixed that, decided to take out a few points where it seemed it glorified Kristoff too much.
Spoiler:
THERE IS NO POINT TO BE ALIVE, IF YOU CAN'T DO DEADLIFT.
[Image: jon_pall_sigmarsson_b35428d97635b2e7c405...2df3c3.gif]

Spoiler:
[Image: SQ0XvlU.gif]
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#24
Yeah, that looks much better. Thanks for switching that up!

(2/2)
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#25
:D I love thee.
Spoiler:
THERE IS NO POINT TO BE ALIVE, IF YOU CAN'T DO DEADLIFT.
[Image: jon_pall_sigmarsson_b35428d97635b2e7c405...2df3c3.gif]

Spoiler:
[Image: SQ0XvlU.gif]
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#26
Wikified!
[Image: anim_500.gif]
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