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Talla (Draenei shadow-priest)
#1
Player: Maarten777

Character Full Name: Talla

Character In-Game Name: Talla

Nickname(s):

Association(s): The Exodar (loosely), herself.

Race: Draenei

Class: Shadow-priest

Skills and Abilities: Because of her specializing in psychic scream she is capable of actually causing people pain and headaches.

Age: 637

Sex: Female

Hair: Black and long, usually in 2 ponytails to the side. Her hair reaches to the middle of her back.

Eyes: Draenei blue

Weight: 102kg

Height: 2.23 meter

Usual Garments/Armor: Simple cloth, nothing too special. For the more formal situations she has a
black tuxedo ready.

Other: Often found with a white moth on her shoulder.

Personality: Usually she doesn’t appear to care about anything. She is rather curious, wanting to know how and why things work the way they do. She is rather distrustful of people, especially Orcs and humans yet her curiosity often gets the better of her. She likes poetry, music and other creative ways for people express themselves. She is an aspiring writer and a poet. She has a deep love for her white moth that functions as a pet and a muse. Due to fear of reprisal from her kind for using the Shadow instead of the Light she doesn’t clearly show or use it unless necessary. Even today she refuses to believe her mate has fallen and still misses him.

History: Talla was born on Draenor in a calm village. Her mother began teaching her the ways of the Light from an early age. Her father taught her how to defend herself using a staff. Even in her earliest years she was a curious girl, questioning everything. She never liked to wear dresses or robes and never did it.

She lived most of her life calmly and without much trouble until the Orcs unexpectedly began their attacks on the Draenei. Her village was raided and completely destroyed. During the raid she fled alongside many other Draenei. Her parents stayed behind to slow the advance of the Orcs in order to keep Talla and the other refugees safe.

She lived in Shattrath for several years. In Shattrath she fell in love and got a child. She and her newfound mate lived unhindered by problems and even managed to save the life of a white moth, she took in the moth. Around this time she started writing of her ‘’adventures’’ in and around Shattrath City. When the Orcs decided to destroy Shattrath as well Talla and many other Draenei fled into Zangarmash, her mate staying behind to slow down the Orcs so Talla and her child could live. Official ‘’reports’’ state he perished in the fight but she refused and still refuses to believe it.

When the fighting for the Exodar started Talla joined the fight without hesitation, wanting to flee from Draenor for the safety of her child. Instead of fighting on the front lines she was in the rear, healing the wounded and taking care of her child. When the Exodar crashed she was one of the lucky ones, leaving with a few scratches and bruises. She managed to keep her child safe from any harm excluding a couple of scratches.

After a while of helping the wounded, Talla and two male Draenei left the Exodar to explore, and to find allies and food. At first she refused to leave the Exodar and her child, but was she was ensured the child would get the best care they could provide. She left with the group towards Stormwind. Upon entering Stormwind she and the group received strange looks. Of all people in the crowd one man, a Shadow-priest, really stood out of the rest of the crowd because Talla felt his eyes focused on her, even between the two men.

When the Draenei were having their meal he approached her approached and requested to be allowed to study her and the two men. They reluctantly agreed to his request in exchange for being allowed to study him. The studies consisted of both anatomy and cultural learnings.

The studies persisted for a while, many interactions between the two though mostly study. After said time she started trusting him and they left to the field for a bit of cultural study. Instead of cultural study the two found a small group of Orcs, probably scouts. The man told her to stay behind and ordered her not to watch. Her curiosity got the better of her and despite his orders she decided to watch and what she saw was something she never expected to see. She saw the man walk up to the Orcs, unarmed. Without a word he set the Orcs against each other and killed another without a single word or visible action. Of course Talla was scared of what she just had seen. The man turned and saw her watching him. At first he was angry at her for not doing as she was told, but he decided to manipulate her mind and took her in. He kept her as his apprentice in an attempt to prevent her from blowing his cover as a simple citizen of Stormwind and she, thanks to a mix of her curiosity and his altering of her mind, was more than willing.. She accompanied him to many cultural festivals and gatherings as his show piece. Even with her mind altered she refused to wear dresses or robes so he got a few tailors to make her a custom sized tuxedo.

He taught her what he knew and she took the most magic particularly well. After a few months he taught her too much and broke free. When she discovered what he did to her she became enraged yet did not show it immediately, in fact she kept calm and bought a staff with a sharpened edge on top and a sharp point at the bottom.

She hid said weapon outside of Stormwind and lured her mentor out. Out there she grabbed her weapon and confronted him. He felt like he could not lie to her and simply told her the truth. Her anger got the better of her after he told her the truth and she stabbed him right through the heart with her new weapon. For a few days she regretted killing him and decided to leave Stormwind. Talla feared the humans would eventually find his body and blame her. She fled away, but feared she would no longer be accepted in the Exodar for being forced into the Shadow. Even today she wants to see her child but is too afraid for her life and the life of her child to return to the Exodar, instead she has decided to travel Azeroth, seeing the parts of the world she has yet to see.
I will not be forgotten. This is my time to shine. I've got the scars to prove it. Only the strong survive. I'm not afraid of dying. Everyone has their time. Life never favored weakness.

Welcome to the pride!
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#2
(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: Personality: Usually she doesn’t appear to care about anything. She is rather curious, wanting to know how and why things work the way they do. She is rather distrustful of people, especially Orcs and humans yet her curiosity often gets the better of her. She likes poetry, music and other creative ways people express themselves. She is an aspiring writer and a poet. She has a deep love for her white moth that functions as a pet and a muse. Due to fear of reprisal from her kind for using the Shadow instead of the Light she doesn’t clearly show or use it unless necessary.

Consider saying "for people to express themselves", or "for her to express herself." You're free to choose which one. Also, I think the note of her believing her mate is still alive would fit in with her personality - and maybe how she feels in his absence?

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: History: Born on Draenor in a calm village. Her mother began teaching her the ways of the Light from an early age. Her father taught her how to defend herself using a staff. Even in her earliest years she was a curious girl, questioning everything. She never liked to wear dresses or robes and never did it.

This is an incomplete sentence. You should write, "Talla was born on Draenor, in a calm village." Right now, there's no subject the verb refers to.

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: She lived most of her life calm and without much trouble until the Orcs began their destruction of her kind. Her village was raided and completely destroyed. During the raid she fled alongside many other Draenei. Her parents stayed behind to slow the advance of the Orcs in order to keep Talla and the other refugees safe.

When describing a noun, you write that it's calm. When describing a verb, however, calm becomes an adverb. As an adverb, calm becomes calmly. Also, consider rephrasing "began their destruction of her kind." Maybe something like "until the orcs unexpectedly attacked the Draenei.

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: She lived in Shattrath for several years. In Shattrath she fell in love and got a child. She and her new found mate lived unhindered by problems and even managed to save the life of a white moth, she took in the moth and started writing of her ‘’adventures’’ in and around Shattrath City. When the Orcs decided to destroy Shattrath as well Talla and many other Draenei fled into Zangarmash, her mate staying behind to slow down the Orcs so Talla and her child could live. Official ‘’reports’’ state he perished in the fight but she refused and still refuses to believe it.

Newfound is one word.

Also; "white moth. She took the moth in, and started writing of her adventures in and around Shattrath."

. . . Unless it's her own adventures, and not the moth's. :P

In that case, it's; "and even managed to save the life of a moth, which she took in. Around this time, she also began to write about her adventures in and around Shattrath City."

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: When the fighting for the Exodar started Talla joined the fight without hesitation, wanting to flee for Draenor for the safety of her child. Instead of fighting on the front lines she was on the final lines, healing the wounded and taking care of her child. When the Exodar crashed she was one of the lucky ones, leaving with a few scratches and bruises. She managed to keep her child safe from any harm excluding a couple of scratches.

I suspect you mean "flee from Draenor." Being in the last ranks of a battle is called "in the rear".

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: After a while of helping the wounded, Talla and two male Draenei left the Exodar to explore, find allies and food. At first she refused to leave the Exodar and her child but was ensured the child would get the best care they could provide. She left and with the group she left towards Stormwind. Upon entering Stormwind she and the group were looked at strange. From all people in the crowd, one man, a Shadow-priest, really stood out of the rest of the crowd, apparently having his eyes focused on Talla for looking different than the other two.

"to explore, and to find allies and food."

"her child behind, but she"

"She left with the group for Stormwind." or "The group left for Stormwind".

Assuming she was part of the group, you could easily say "the group received strange looks.

"Between" instead of "from". The "from" should actually replace the "of".

Consider rephrasing to "because Talla felt his eyes focused on her, even between the other two."

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: When the Draenei were having their meal he approached her approached her and requested to be allowed to study her and the two men. They reluctantly agreed to his request in exchange for being allowed to study him.

Figured you might want to know you'd repeated yourself.

Also, what kind of studies? Did he want to just speak with them, or study their anatomy?

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: After a while she started trusting him and they left to the field for a bit of cultural study. Instead of cultural study the two found a small group of Orcs, probably scouts. The man told her to stay behind and ordered her not to watch. Her curiosity got the better of her and she decided to watch despite his orders and what she saw was something she never expected to see. She saw the man walk up to the Orcs, unarmed. Without a word he set the Orcs against each other and killed another without a single word or visible action. Of course Talla was scared of what she just saw. The man turned and saw her watching him. At first he was angry at her for not doing as she was told but after a while he decided to manipulate her mind and took her in as his apprentice in an attempt not to lose his cover of being a simple citizen of Stormwind and she, thanks to a mix of her curiosity and his altering of her mind, was more than willing to become his apprentice. She accompanied him to many cultural festivals and gatherings as his show piece. Even with her mind altered she refused to wear dresses or robes so he got a few tailors to make her a custom sized tuxedo.

After a while, you say. What happened in the meantime? Did they interact frequently after their first meeting?

"and despite his orders she decided to watch, and what she saw was something she never expected to see."

"what she had just seen."

"At first he was angry at her for not doing as she was told, but he decided to manipulate her mind and took her in. He kept her as his apprentice in an attempt to prevent her from blowing his cover as a simple citizen of Stormwind and she, thanks to a mix of her curiosity and his altering of her mind, was more than willing."

The original sentence was very long-winded and heavy, but I rephrased it, shortened it down a bit and scrapped a few words.

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: He taught her what he knew, especially the mind things, because of her training she lost most of her natural connection to the Light aside from a few minor healing spells. When she discovered what he did to her she became enraged yet did not show it immediately, in fact she kept calm and bought a staff with a sharpened edge on top and a sharp point at the bottom.

"and she took to mind magic particularly well."

The rest of this paragraph is difficult; if she was being mind-controlled, how did she discover what he'd done? Maybe he'd taught her a bit too much, and she broke free from his spell?

On another note, Draenei don't lose their Light. Even Death Knights are still blessed by it, even though it pains them to be in touch with it. Shadow can be wielded alongside Light, as well.

(04-12-2013, 07:58 AM)maarten777 Wrote: She hid said weapon outside of Stormwind and eventually lured her mentor out. Out there she grabbed her weapon and confronted him. He felt like he could not lie to her and simply told her the truth. Her anger got the better of her after he told her the truth and she stabbed him right through the heart with her new weapon. For a few days she regretted killing and decided to leave Stormwind, fearing the humans would eventually find his body and blame Talla. She fled away but feared she would no longer be accepted in the Exodar because of her loss of the Light. Even today she wants to see her child but is too afraid for her life and the life of her child to return to the Exodar, instead she has decided to travel Azeroth, seeing the parts of the world she has yet to see.

There's a quote code in the middle of this paragraph, but I had to take it out to make my quoting work. I marked where it was with green.

Drop the "eventually". It's a disease I'm infected with, as well. That word sneaks in everywhere, but it's really useless and takes up space. :P

"Outside the city, she found her weapon and confronted him."

"killing him, and"

"Stormwind. Talla feared the humans would eventually find the body and blame her."

"away, but".

The rest of the profile wouldn't make sense if she didn't lose her Light, which she couldn't have under those circumstances, so I'd suggest she had another reason not to return.

Please make a post after you've made the changes! :)
[Image: 6RpTZgI.gif]
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#3
Made the changes.
I will not be forgotten. This is my time to shine. I've got the scars to prove it. Only the strong survive. I'm not afraid of dying. Everyone has their time. Life never favored weakness.

Welcome to the pride!
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#4
Approved!

Wikified!
[Image: 6RpTZgI.gif]
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