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Treus [Draenei Cryomancer]
#1
Player: Bitlordman

Character Full Name: Treus

Character In-Game Name: Treus

Association(s): Exodar, Dalaran, Alliance

Race: Draenei

Class: Mage

Skills and Abilities: An exellent student in the cryomancy. He spent most of his time reading all kinds of books about the Frost school. He has the opportunity and power to freeze his enemies and shatter them apart with frost magic.

Age: 8,619

Sex: Male

Hair: Brown and long

Eyes: Blue

Weight: 194.4 kg

Height: 7' 2''

Usual Garments/Armor: A simple blue robe when he is around Dalaran. He still works on taloring an armor that would represent cryomancy. In some situation when he is in the tavern he usually wears a simple linen set.

Alignment: Neutral Good

Personality: Treus is a sociable guy. He is a protective person that keeps his anger to himself. He is a man of honor. His voice is soft and clear. Treus is a logical guy so he doesn't hesitate that much. He would rather sort it out or find a way around his problems. Since he was young he tended to do his best in learning the ways of the cryomancy. He loves to talk to people. The race never bothers him.

Treus doesn't get nervous that easily. He does his best to keep his temper to him and beat his enemies with an argue. If he is forced to fight thought he will, since he mastered the school of frost. Another thing he also like to do is sparring. He likes to have a friendly competition with an opponent close to his level. His favourite drink is wine and he mostly likes to eat a lot of fruits, mainly apples.

In a combat situation, Treus tends to slow his opponent before he starts to attack. If he is angered or fighting an enemy he might even freeze him and won't bother into shattering him apart. Before he does anything risky he always thinks.

History: Like all the draenei, Treus had a rought past. His parents were a mystery and he was born on the planet Oshu'gun. He learned how to survive by himself. The Burning Legion itself killed many of his kind. A small amount of draenei, escaped from the countless attacks of the Legion.

As he aged, Treus started to direct his focus in magic. Seeing that he needed some sort of protection he started to learn the ways of the cryomancy. His allies held many ancient books that gave him a slight boost in his learing. The draenei around him were also kind to help him in his path in becoming an mage. As time passed his knowledge began to grow. He did all he could to fight off the Burning Legion along with his allies. He was a very intelligent man. His powers were strong enough to shatter an infernal apart. He was a great example for his kind, a brave and intelligent cryomancer.

After years of searching and running the draenei finally found a place that they could settle in. That planet was called Draenor. But the place had problems along it. The orcs were also settled upon that place. Their peace lasted many years. The problems started when Gul'dan and his orcs drank from the corrupted blood of Mannoroth, simply killing most of the draenei population. It left a huge message as some of them were even forced to leave the land. Treus himself was forced to leave, making his way in Terokkar Forest. He spent most of his time there improving his abilities as a frost mage.

But soon enough the draenei found about the Exodar, and Treus himself went there with his kind. Seeing it as a way out of this place they took it as their own. But when the main engine was destroyed it led to their crash in Azeroth. A few survived along with him. Luck really smilled upon him for living that long. He never gave up and always continued to learn.

Until this day Treus can be found in Dalaran, reading most of the books, there or in Azeroth where he travels around the continents.
You' seek me help?

[Image: vt4s.jpg]
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#2
Quote:His parents were a mystery and the people who raised him were from his colony.

Draenei aren't colonial in nature. When Treus was born over 8,000 years ago, he would have been born on the Oshu'gun or one of the planets they were hopping.

Quote:That planet was called Draenor. But the place had problems along it. The orcs were also settled upon that place. Their peace didn't last long.

They lived in peace with the Orcs for over 900 years. I'd argue that this is a long time.

Quote:The Burning Legion itself killed many of his kind as he stood there and watched.

I'm only curious: why did he just stand there and watch? It would only be logical to either fight back or run away, since if you stand around where demons are killing your people, you're prone to get killed yourself.

Grammar changes that need to be addressed (there are a lot, so I'm putting it in a spoiler):

Spoiler:

Quote:8619

Comma after eight.

Quote:Until this day he has become and exellent opponent

This sentence sounds odd when it begins with 'until this day'. Excellent is also misspelled.

Quote:His favourite drink is wine and he mostly likes to eat alot of fruits, mainly apples.

a lot*

Quote:If he is angered or he fights an enemy he might even freeze him and won't bother into shattering him apart.

Changing 'he fights' to 'or fighting' and changing 'won't bother into shattering' to 'won't bother to shatter' would get rid of the wordiness in this sentence.

Quote:A small amount of draenei, with him being one of them escaped from the countless attacks of the Legion.

Another wordy sentence. If you say 'along with a small amount of other draenei' you can get rid of 'with him being one of them'.

Quote:As he aged up Treus started to focus in magic.

'aged up' and 'focused in magic' is rather incorrect, grammatically. I would suggest 'As he aged, Treus started to direct his focus in magic.'

Quote:Time was passing his knowledge began to grow.

As time passed,*

Quote:His powers were strong enought to shatter an infernal down.

enough*

I would also suggest saying 'apart' rather than 'down'.

Quote:He was a great example for his kind. A brave and intelligent cryomancer.

You'll need to combine these sentences, since the second one is a fragment and they are both related thoughts.

Quote:Treus himself was forced to leave, making his way in Terrokar Forest.

Terokkar*

Quote:He spend most of his time there improving his abilities as a frost mage.

spent*

Quote:But soon enought the draenei found about the Exodar and Treus himself went with his kind.

enough*

A comma after Exodar needs to be put in.

I would also suggest saying 'went there'.

Quote:Until this day Treus can be found in Dalaran, reading most of the books there or in Azeroth where he travels around the continents.

Comma after 'there'.

[Image: anim_500.gif]
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#3
Done.
You' seek me help?

[Image: vt4s.jpg]
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#4
Also, a male Draenei that is 7'2" would need to be around 400 pounds. 89.4kg is just short of 200 pounds, so you need to double his weight.
[Image: anim_500.gif]
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#5
Done.
You' seek me help?

[Image: vt4s.jpg]
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#6
Approved!

Wikified! Some spelling fixes were made.
[Image: anim_500.gif]
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