[-]
Main Menu
Portal
Forums
Wiki
Rules
FAQs
Events Calendar
Downloads

[-]
Latest Threads
Where Are You Now?
Last Post: Tales23
11-24-2020 06:53 PM
» Replies: 16
» Views: 605
What is glistening
Last Post: Xigo
08-17-2020 10:19 AM
» Replies: 9
» Views: 3880
You are a fond memory. Good night, CoTH...
Last Post: CappnRob
05-01-2020 08:05 PM
» Replies: 32
» Views: 87733
You Can't Go Home Again
Last Post: Scout
03-15-2019 09:24 PM
» Replies: 0
» Views: 3241
"Years of Service" Awards
Last Post: Maulbane
05-26-2018 09:58 PM
» Replies: 100
» Views: 3478

[-]
Who's Online
There are currently no members online.

[-]
Google AdStuff

Yet to be named novel, please critic!
#1
Well, since you all are my fellow stroy writing buddies, I wanted to share the first page of my novel I'm starting with you guys! The book itself is set in it's own world, the Kingdom of Dariar (Led by King Darius Lionwhite, you can see the connection) where two deadly, powerful, and rich cartels, the Faalstein, and the Melkiar practically rule much of the kingdom with their power, and give the Royal family much trouble. These two Cartels are at war, fighting for land, towns, and trade routes. The Faalsteins are led by Duke Faalstein, and the Melkiar are led by Daedrin Melkiar. The third faction are the Dariar Royal Task Force, led by Knight Captain Marcus Faalstein, 2nd son of Duke Faalstein, who are the personal knights of the king, on their mission to kill Duke, and Daedrin. Our story begins in the city of Kaltuk, a small, hidden city deep in the Dariar Desert, which is the main stronghold of the Faalsteins, where we meet our main character, Alexander Faalstein, first son of Duke Faalstein, and an assassin for the cartel.

The story is influenced by Romeo & Juliet, Assassin's Creed, Warcraft, and my wild imagination!

I'll be posting up the first page or two as a taste, I would just like some friendly critisism, and comments! Thanks! Expect it to be posted in the next half hour, on this thread.
PM
Reply
#2
The first page and 1/4th of the novel, enjoy! Please comment!

Chapter One

Within the vast, deserts of the Dariar kingdom, lies the well camouflaged, dangerous, and yet quiet, city of Kaltuk. Upon entering the sandy tan walls of the city, one would marvel at the amount of activity in such a secluded area, from large auctions, to small deals in dark alleys, trade happened everywhere. One would also notice, deep in the city walls, a massive fortress, as tan as the sands itself, it blends in to the desert's storms quite naturally, as if it were a part of the land itself. Within this marvel of a fortress, sits the powerful, and deadly drug lord, Duke Faalstein, behind him, loyal servants, assassins, traders…he might as well be a king. The Faalstein Cartel was one of the two feared cartels of the Dariar kingdom, everyone knew, when they were around, it meant trouble, the problem was…they blended in so well, a member of the cartel may as well be your neighbor, some say this is why they succeed, their ability to blend in to modern society, so unnoticed, yet infamous, all at the same time.

It was a dark, quiet night, around midnight, the streets never rested in the city of Kaltuk, trade never seemed to cease. Up on the roof tops of the unsuspecting city, sat a man in tan attire, as tan at the desert, equipped with two short swords on his back, an arsenal of small daggers and knives, everywhere on his body…and a big smile, watching the town life unfold before him, much like he was watching a play in a booth seat, he was content. A sandstorm began to pickup, and he put up his hood, as everyone seemed to be heading inside to retire, calling it a day. However, the man of the blades, young Alexander Faalstein, sat on the roof, watching the gates of the city, as if waiting for someone to come.

The sandy gates of the city creaked open in the night, where a lone traveler, carrying a large black sack over his shoulder, and a black scarf around his face, walked into the city, looking around at the dark, sleeping streets of the busy city. Convinced he was alone, he started to make his way up the streets of the city, up dark alleyways and through open streets…little did the young man know, a deadly ghost watched him from the roofs of the city, covered by the sandstorm's blanket itself. The lonely traveler sat down on a small bench, drawing two small blades, inspecting them, it was just as Alexander had thought, the rumored Melkiar assassin was right on queue, information from Duke's scouts was usually right, they knew how to gather information like professionals. The Melkiar assassin stood, hiding the blades up the sleeves of his robes, and he began to continue down the dark alleyway, in between a few closed down, dark shops. The assassin stood still, confused, from what seemed like out of the sandstorm's roar itself, fell a small gold coin, rolling down the alley way, the assassin chased it down, getting on his knees as it rolled under a nearby bench, the assassin reached for it blindly in the darkness of the alley. The assassin picked up the gold coin and smiled, standing to examine it closely in his hand. A throwing knife was sent directly into the thigh of the standing assassin, as quickly as the sandstorm granted fortune to the man, it granted him punishment. The man shifting around like a limping dog to see where the source of the assault could have been, drawing his blades. “Come on you bastard! I'll fucking kill you!” the man screamed, Alexander couldn't help but smile at his struggle. The scared man's eyes widened, his pain swiftly relieved, like a ghost from another dimension, Alexander soared off the roof of the nearby shop, out of the sandstorm's cover, knife in hand…Before the assassin could even scream, he was trampled, on his back, there was a man kneeling on his chest, and a knife, stealing his blood and life from his sliced neck. Alexander ripped the knife from the man's neck, the last the assassin could see of Alexander was but a blur, killed by a ghost, the assassin was assassinated, all that went through his head was the fear and irony of this quiet, peaceful night.
PM
Reply
#3
I have given it the name, Cartel. I think it's fitting :D.
PM
Reply


Possibly Related Threads…
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  The Human named Dotdotdott Pereira 7 240 08-13-2009, 02:10 PM
Last Post: Zason



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

youth-backhand
This forum uses Lukasz Tkacz MyBB addons.