Feedback for Books

[Zenethen]

So, as some might have noticed, I've been writing some books and putting parts of some of them in posts/threads 'round here.

I'd just like to use this as the feedback place for these stories, -please- give feedback if you've read any of my stuff so far, as I am pleading for it.

Good day.

Current Storythingies:

'Some random Sci-fi Story' (The Battle for Earth)
'A Random Tale' (Excerpt from Days until Doom)
'Tale of an Aspiring Author' (Excerpts from Days until Doom)

-Please- provide feedback. Needs moar D:<

[Xigo]

Well. Flipping through the sci-fi thing real quick.

It feels like I'm reading an action movie. Little attention is being paid to details, and it's assumed that I know what a 'JSDP Marine' or a 'Mary Sue landing' is. You're giving all these groups these names and I've no idea what they mean. What makes Bravo 4-9er different from Charlie 5-5-6? Heck, what do any of them do?

It's like going on a roller coaster with a blindfold. Sure, there's a feeling of acceleration and rushing, but I've no idea what's going on half the time.

The Pilot pressed a large amount of buttons, and the drop-ship jerked and slowed down in its descent at a very fast pace

... I just find that line a bit funny to read. What buttons? Are these ships piloted by buttons?

From my experience with these JSDP fellows, it seems like the general mass of them are very hoo-rah, with only singled out individuals displaying any other sort of emotion.

JSDP, MPS, and VCS

... One again, no idea.

"Strength of a Thousand Men, people! CHARGE!"

Strength of a Thousand Men people!
... Sorry, couldn't resist.

Anyway. My complaint overall with the sci-fi thing is that it just feels like an action movie all the time. There's no stopping briefly for exposition, and the characters feel two-dimensional. ... Yeah, I'm sorry. I know that's a pretty heavy thing to say, and I know these are just exerpts. But from what I've read, it's an action movie.

Now, onto the fantasy thingy. Once again, it's akin to an action movie. There's not much I can say about the backstory, other than these names are all being thrown at me with little exposition behind then. Quarians? Giljazians? Are they other races or cultures? I don't feel like I know that much about them other than all these titles and names being tossed about.

We suddenly get all these named elves later on, and I get the feeling I'm supposed to care about who they are, and that one in particular would be a 'main character'. However... they're just introduced so swiftly that such is a challenge. Don't even know how any of them look.

Spend a bit more time on details, avoid rushing so much. I know you probably got a big story in your head, but you gotta slow down. The audience doesn't know everything you know.

I specifically read these things when you first posted them in order to hunt down your R rated content and censor it. I found none.

... Misleading punk!

[Holynexus]

I like Quarians!

But I must agree. I'm a biiig sci-fi fan, but I found your story a bit too technicial and fast-paced. I'm no big writer yes, but you might wanna give time to explain the characters, and give simpler words too. Introduce the world, the setting, y'know?

[Zenethen]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try and revise through what I've already put down and give a bit more descriptions... As for the Fantasy, I tried to be as slow-paced as possible... The Prelude was supposed to be an explanation for such things as the Elves, Querians, and Tarilinians. Meh, this feedback is just me developing as a writer and an author >

[Cassius]

There is something which always bugged me with the ways you RP'd your characters. I always couldn't help but noticed that you always give your characters some sort of "perfection" with his abilities or "invulnerability" to all malice that surrounded him.

I recall the first time I met Dalikan he mentioned something about him having "explosive bullets" (this was before the restart might I add) and that sort of thing feels a bit...overpowered? I don't know, but it just doesn't seem fair. There were other instances like this which occurred but I won't put them all up.

These situations have also happened in a multiple sort of occasions, not to mention a few illogical things which are sort of slapped in for the sake of "badassery" or "coolness", the Godford manor event, the Siege when the Frost Wyrm flew in was a tad extreme and very hard to endure with a straight face.

My advice to you is that you make your characters act more realistically in a sense where one can see their vulnerabilities rather than see a hardcore guy who fears nothing and performs very far fetched things.

On the bright side however, you're mature and I'm certain you can consider this criticism and improve from your mistakes as these tend to be things which demotivate others from RPing with you.

[CappnRob]

I specifically read these things when you first posted them in order to hunt down your R rated content and censor it. I found none.

... Misleading punk!

Poor Xigo being cheated out of editing bad words!


As for feedback, I've yet to read your stuff. Because I am lazy.

But for characters, I am soooort of on the fence with what Cassius said.

ON THE ONE HAND...

I honestly do want to applaud you for not being afraid to RP characters like Dalikan as over the top "badass" characters. They're corny, yes. They give cheesy speeches and honestly, they fit right into the setting of WoW, and you do seem to be at least somewhat aware of this fact. Yes, a frost wyrm attacking Necromancy Hold was completely absurd. But, that happens in the game, too. It was over the top fun for me.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

You could proooobably afford to tone it down some. Over the top theatrics and grand displays are fun, but don't forget that they're still characters, with flaws, with desires, you get the idea. Of all your characters, Grenalin I think comes across as the most well balanced, but that could be because he's got the grandpa dorf thing going on for him.

So yeah, don't be afraid to tone it down some. It's p. swag to RP Dalikan has the hardened badass hero, but try to consider the consequences of him being that, and role play it out. Becoming badass has its price, and behind every badass there's still a man. Furthermore, it makes those badass moments all the more enjoyable, because instead of overdosing on 100% Epic Fuel all the time, you get to tactfully pick and choose your moments as to when its time to shine and be awesome.

[Zenethen]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Just wanna say to anyone out there that might have similar advice - Let me have it. Nothing will improve in my characters if you don't speak up about the things you don't like, etc. Anyways, enough with the patriotic theatrics.

After looking into your feedback, I do realize myself the characters I commonly RP with are over the top, and I'll try my best to fix that... If I still am going over the top, please tell me, and I'll eventually be able to do it. It just seems I've been RPing a little too much on my characters that -are- over the top... Guess this is advice to start trying to RP the other characters of mine.

Nonetheless, thanks again for the feedback, give some more later on, yadda yadda yadda. Have a good day, everyone!

[CappnRob]

Well, there's nothing wrong with over the top characters...

Just remember that they are still characters. They still have flaws, humanity, and so forth. But you might get a better feel for how to adjust them better by playing more low key characters and working your way up.

[Zenethen]

Of course, I'll do that then... GARONIR. TIME FOR YOUR HOUR TO BEGIN.

[Harmonic]

You might wanna provide links to your writing in here, the ones you wish to have critiqued, as it took a bit of digging to find, and that can lead less people to actually going to try and find them to provide feedback.

That being said, I think your writing is fairly solid, and does well at conveying the points you are trying to make, however it takes a while to "Get to the point" so to speak. I feel that there is so much techno-grunty-military talk in the Sci-fi story, that it's hard to determine what's going on, and why I as the reader should really care.

The first task I had in reading this story was determining which characters were pivitol, such as Rickson, and who were not, such as the 4-5-6 Grunty Grunterson characters, as I took their names to be. After I saw that Rickson talked the most, I was trying to determine the point of the situation, which took a while to come up.

After reading a bit, I got the fact they were fighting. From there, I got lost in my own unanswered thoughts. Why are they fighting? What is going on? Again, why do I care? As a writer, you have to make your readers care. Entangle us with plot, and not just outright action and movement, as had been mentioned before. Explosions and gunfire and grunt talk are cool, but only if they have context. Otherwise, I'm trying to skim through the material to find out the points of interest, such as what's going on.

It wouldn't hurt to flesh these people out, even if it's nameless grunts, or even Rickson. What's his story? What are his emotions? Trying to force us to like a character without any exposition makes for a skimmed through read.




Basically, you've got the action down good. But take that action, and add the story to it so that we care about the explosions and badassery.



AS for roleplay, I can't give any hands on advice, other than what I'm reading in here, and that's something that I think might go hand in hand with your stories. As has been said, it's more than fitting to play someone who is awesome on WoW, considering that's how all the characters typically are set up. However, in a role play environment, one thing you should remember is that there is no such thing as being indestructible. You may have things that are close to perfect, or that your character excels in, but it's usually a good idea to make yourself open up to the possibility of getting beaten in that area too.

A good way to do this is to flesh out the character, even if it's just for yourself. What do they like to do? What are they weak with? Why are they proficient in said task, and more importantly... how could they improve?

Personally, I'm notorious for writing small character profiles, but I flesh out my characters thoughts and feelings beyond "Goon with a hammer" through my storylines and roleplay. I tend to downplay the "Accomplishment" aspects of RP that people seem to focus on, and try to focus on exposition, trying to answer the "Why am I?" and "Who am I?" questions through my actions and words.

Why is your character here? Why do they do certain actions? What led to that odd little social tick? What led to their perfectionism? Those are questions you have to ask yourself and try to flesh out when playing a character, NOT just when you're describing them.