Sounds like a potentially awesome villain. I might create a more-grounded character to take up his cause!
And if Telathis ends up caught in the conflict between him, he'd be torn between his sense of duty and his own hatred of Nobles (Mostly due to the battle of Alterac, and partly from Turalyon, Alleria, Danath, Khagdar, and Kurdran getting ALL the recognition for the Draenor campaign)
10-25-2012, 08:52 PM (This post was last modified: 10-25-2012, 08:53 PM by Bingles.)
I hope he becomes an awesome villain. My attempt to stop stagnation in CotH, specially the Noble Houses. I think those things need to be started up once more. You seem like an interesting person, I hope we get to RP soon. So you can meet -all- my villains, Scow. I only got a handful of good guys though .
12-21-2012, 07:12 PM (This post was last modified: 12-21-2012, 07:13 PM by c0rzilla.)
Ohai. You requested feedback for your writing, and I hope to provide such in this post. I'll post both entries here in spoilers with my queries and suggestions in a different color.
Spoiler:
Grand Master Engineer Williume Blitzcog searches an old Gilnean House. The Moonlight glistens throughout the abomination of a structure. As a small gnome, Blitzcog will take ages to search the house entirely. Thus is why he made a small army of bots, the item must be here somewhere. With years of research and brutal interrogations behind him, he was sure of it. He couldn't let anything like this into someone elses hands, it would just be apocalyptic.
First, who is Grand Master Engineer Williume Blitzcog? Why do we care about his search? You introduce this character with this long title, and his search seems to be so important, but--what for? Just to add another schematic to his Grand Master pile?
I'd suggest changing "glisten" to stream, or "bathes the structure" in some creepy kinda glow. "Glisten" implies a thing is wet, and moonlight isn't.
Why does this gnome consider Gilnean architecture an abomination? Does he not like stereotypical 1800s English design?
Don't imply how long it might take to search in such a manner. It signals to the reader "Good lord, this will take so long and be boring". And, gnomes aren't that small and incompetent, compared to taller folk.
Who interrogated him, and why? Why is this new bomb design so important in a world of hundreds of other kinds of bombs and explosive magic? Why would it be "apocalyptic" if it ended up in hands that aren't his?
He presses every wall with his tiny palms, every large book shelf and every odd placed lamp in the giant house. Thousands of gnomes could pile up on top of each other and around but that still wouldn't be the size of the house he thought.
This is sounding more like a castle than a house. Gilnean homes aren't any larger than Elwynn homes.
He whips out a slip of paper, "Mega Seaforium Charge" the title reads, all the statistics and schemata are on the page. But the items are the hardest to get. Some are scattered around the Outlands and in the outskirts of Northrend. But those metals or gases are now extinct in Azeroth. Over exposed to some other evil projects. Besides that, he believes that this is the last one in the face of Azeroth and the Outlands, besides the one that a famous engineer has created in the past, which has been disassembled.
Where does the paper come from? How did he find it? What metals are you talking about? What does he believe is the "last one in the face of Azeroth and the Outlands"? Who is this famous engineer? Why was this thing disassembled?
I'm still not catching why a reader should care about any of this. You keep implying this stuff is important only because you say so. "He's famous because he's famous".
If this has been used as a war weapon it will destroy the city of Stormwind or even Orgrimmar, he's sure of it! He doesn't want this being used for evil, of course. Blitzcog has always been dedicated to neutrality and goodness. But this may change his views entirely.
Again, in a world of far more destructive magics, a bomb like this is a raindrop in an ocean. And why do we believe this Blitzcog has been dedicated so? Why do we care? We have no idea who this person is, only that you say stuff. Why would this change his views?
"Kheeeeeerrrr" his thoughs stop immediately. Was that a door way? He starts to shake lightly with fear, and even excitement. Has one of his bots discovered a secret door upstairs?
Where did the bots come from? They should be mentioned earlier on, otherwise it seems like a plot point or power pulled out nowhere for convenience. Also, with the searching bots, why would it take "ages" for this gnome to explore the house, as you stated earlier?
He teleports to the stairwell using a famous magi spell named "Blink" he begins to climb the stairwell, all four stories...
A tip for writers is to write as if your audience has never heard of what you're describing. Imagine if J.K. Rowling described all her magic as "Harry used that famous spell Wingardium Leviosa". We'd be left going "...ok, what the hell is that, and why should we care?". Instead, write like this:
After shaking off the anxiety brought on by the distant, eerie creaking, Blitzcog steadies his gait and focuses on the stairwell. Positioning his hands, fingers bent to channel the ensuing magics, he speaks in the Arcane tongue--bamf! An observer might have a second or two to watch the magic at work before they spot him on the steps.
And, four floors aren't that much. Gnomes are small, yes. But they aren't incompetent.
He reaches the pinnacle to the house, a bot sits beside a wall, that is opened. The light on his head is blue. The doorway leads down the abomination of a chimeny...
Again, where did these bots come from, and why aren't they mentioned earlier? Why does it matter the light on his head is blue? Why is there a door leading to the chimney? Why is the chimney an abomination? I'm not sure what you mean by "pinnacle to the house". Is he in the attic?
Besides these critiques, there are a lot of grammar and punctuation mistakes.
This might sound like an odd question, but do you read much? Think of writing like a sport. If you've never even watched football in your life, and you jump onto a field--well, you'll get your butt handed to you. One of the best ways to learn to write is to read. And read and read.
You're improving as a writer. Keep it up. Look for flaws in your own writing, and take into consideration what others say, even if it sound like they make about as much sense as a deaf man talking into a vevuzela. There's usually something you can take out of it.
That being said, and I'm not sure if that's still around, the whole 'Chaos' guild confused me. It just didn't make too much sense, and your orc came off as... cartoonish in a way. Granted I didn't know him well, so that's a mark on me, but still. He just felt a bit like some sorta saturday morning cartoon villain who wanted to take over the world and cackle while rubbing his hands as his evil plan came to fruition.
Though I generally find Chaotic Evil sort of characters silly, so that's my personal bias there. Regardless. Keep improving!
Quote:[8:53AM] Cassius: Xigo is the best guy ever. he doesn't afraid of anything.
Lol! I was so young, the CotH community was so welcoming and everybody ng wanted to improve each others roleplaying preformance... Wish there was a server like this around today!
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. I read alot actually, and the goal is going to be revealed in the future. Thanks again 
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