09-01-2012, 08:46 PM
Hello Conquest of the Horde,
In about 25 days, I'll have had an account with Conquest of the Horde for four years. That's a great deal of time. Through that time, I've done (and not done) a lot of things. With this post, I'd like to address some things. Dispel some potential rumors and perhaps clear the air.
I've been a flake. To the core. I've had an account with the server for nearly four years, haven't RP'ed for what could even roughly amount to a month's time and likely hold the record for, "largest number of absence threads." It's not something I'm proud of, frankly. There's very little I'm actually proud of, in my time at CotH. The general flakiness has left me with lost contacts and an almost complete lack of friendships on the server.
Which leads into another point I'd like to address. Two or so of those years were spent being an absolutely awful person. A ball of hate and rage without focus, lashing out randomly at people who were just trying to enjoy themselves. A veil was lifted from my eyes over the summer. The world had become brighter, allowing me to see just how dark I'd let myself become. I am ashamed of the person I was these past few years; petty, hateful and annoying.
I'd heard on the wind that I'd become something of an example of what not to become, a few months ago. After some time of thinking about it, I'm really not surprised at all. I really doubt many people who know me here actually like or enjoy my company. That's not being self-deprecating or fishing for compliments, I'm honestly quite sure that most of the people who did like me have moved on, come to dislike me or have forgotten entirely. Most of you probably feel nothing significant about me, entirely. That's probably preferable.
For what it's worth, I apologize for the hate, the contradictions, the lashing out; I apologize for all of it. The person who did all of that was driven by a fundamental fear and hatred of themselves that they couldn't focus. The goblet ran over and spread elsewhere. I would say I've changed, but frankly, it doesn't matter.
In the now, I am preparing to live a healthy, happy life. The things which I once struggled with now reel back ever so slightly, so that I may prepare. I realize one thing, though, that needs to happen.
I need to let go of CotH. The actions I mentioned earlier have served as part of a great boulder that I have shouldered in my walk to peace. The server itself, however, is a milestone.
I need to walk away and I will be doing so.
First, I would like to thank you all.
No names, though I'm certain those of you who would be named would know.
To the server as a whole, my friends, my acquaintances, those who've never heard of me, those who've heard of me as a bad example. To those who hate me, those I have hated, those who prefer not to even acknowledge my existence. Thank you all. I wouldn't be where or who I am today, were it not for any and all of you.
I'm opening the door on a new part of my life. New experiences, things to learn, people to meet. CotH is an old part of my life that I will never forget, but I doubt I will be able to visit.
With all of this said, if you would like for whatever reason to stay in contact, send me a PM between now and September 27th, saying so. I am deleting my characters and removing WoW from my PC soon, but I will check the forums up until that day.
After the 27th, my fourth year of holding an account, I will be gone.
Sincerely,
Esthrunil
In about 25 days, I'll have had an account with Conquest of the Horde for four years. That's a great deal of time. Through that time, I've done (and not done) a lot of things. With this post, I'd like to address some things. Dispel some potential rumors and perhaps clear the air.
I've been a flake. To the core. I've had an account with the server for nearly four years, haven't RP'ed for what could even roughly amount to a month's time and likely hold the record for, "largest number of absence threads." It's not something I'm proud of, frankly. There's very little I'm actually proud of, in my time at CotH. The general flakiness has left me with lost contacts and an almost complete lack of friendships on the server.
Which leads into another point I'd like to address. Two or so of those years were spent being an absolutely awful person. A ball of hate and rage without focus, lashing out randomly at people who were just trying to enjoy themselves. A veil was lifted from my eyes over the summer. The world had become brighter, allowing me to see just how dark I'd let myself become. I am ashamed of the person I was these past few years; petty, hateful and annoying.
I'd heard on the wind that I'd become something of an example of what not to become, a few months ago. After some time of thinking about it, I'm really not surprised at all. I really doubt many people who know me here actually like or enjoy my company. That's not being self-deprecating or fishing for compliments, I'm honestly quite sure that most of the people who did like me have moved on, come to dislike me or have forgotten entirely. Most of you probably feel nothing significant about me, entirely. That's probably preferable.
For what it's worth, I apologize for the hate, the contradictions, the lashing out; I apologize for all of it. The person who did all of that was driven by a fundamental fear and hatred of themselves that they couldn't focus. The goblet ran over and spread elsewhere. I would say I've changed, but frankly, it doesn't matter.
In the now, I am preparing to live a healthy, happy life. The things which I once struggled with now reel back ever so slightly, so that I may prepare. I realize one thing, though, that needs to happen.
I need to let go of CotH. The actions I mentioned earlier have served as part of a great boulder that I have shouldered in my walk to peace. The server itself, however, is a milestone.
I need to walk away and I will be doing so.
First, I would like to thank you all.
No names, though I'm certain those of you who would be named would know.
To the server as a whole, my friends, my acquaintances, those who've never heard of me, those who've heard of me as a bad example. To those who hate me, those I have hated, those who prefer not to even acknowledge my existence. Thank you all. I wouldn't be where or who I am today, were it not for any and all of you.
I'm opening the door on a new part of my life. New experiences, things to learn, people to meet. CotH is an old part of my life that I will never forget, but I doubt I will be able to visit.
With all of this said, if you would like for whatever reason to stay in contact, send me a PM between now and September 27th, saying so. I am deleting my characters and removing WoW from my PC soon, but I will check the forums up until that day.
After the 27th, my fourth year of holding an account, I will be gone.
Sincerely,
Esthrunil
10,000 days in the fire is long enough,
You're going home...
You're going home...
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