07-12-2010, 04:05 AM
[ Euh.. me rambling and apologizing below, trying to explain a lot of things. Contains light vulgar, emotions and stuff others perhaps have felt the same or experienced. Read at own risk. Ok'ed by Kretol. ]
Spoiler:
Ugh, I suck at writing a proper greeting for this thread. Seeing this is not supposed to come over as rant, or another one adoring the self pity I have, but as actual explanation instead.. It's harder for me then anything else I've written here probably.. Lashing out is easy, feeling crap afterwards as well. But heh.. I don't want to feel crap any more. I don't want to feel this paranoia any more that nobody appreciates me, and a very simple option would be to leave, but I've actually got great memories and times here so instead of leaving, I'll be trying to explain my position to you guys, and hopefully gain some form of understanding or something.
Truth is, I've been a real asshole around here. I've made the virtual life around here very bad for others, I've been behaving immaturely, and been teetering on the line of the ban-hammer. The latter being logical, as I've gotten away with more shit then any of you have probably pulled off.
Thing is, I'm really not proud on any of it. And your probably asking yourself why I do it at this point, which is the point where I sat sweating when writing this.
I've been through a good share of real life events, events dragging me into a downwards spiral. And there was a point where I really had hit the bottom of it, dancing on the line of escaping life entirely. I never was foolish enough I guess, and luckily some walls for me prevented me from. I'm not sure if I should go into any details, I think most events are something everyone has been through, or perhaps will go through at some point. However, I never really was strong enough to straighten my back and simply walk on.
So, failing to walk on resulted in Therapy last year. Seven months of it, five days a week, 6 hours each day to be precise. The only thing heavier would have been total lock-up for me in the Netherlands, not going out for a good year. I figured if it failed, I could always still get myself locked up away. You can probably guess the reason why I was there, heh, it's called a depression I guess. The first few months where a total hell for me, the constant affirmation of being there with a real problem, the constant pulling and pushing to get you to talk, let your walls down to actually breathe again. Looking at it afterwards however, I can say it did really help me to some degree.
I'm no longer wishing I wasn't here, no longer tormenting myself with real-life things of the past (virtual is a other story). I remember my first talk there, crying and saying how I wanted to hear the birds again. See the sun light, just fee genuinely happy. And they achieved that for a good while, but also explained me that in my state, I'll always have ups and downs. They managed to balance the ups and downs more, as it normally switched between utter crap, to the happiest kid in the world.
Taking a deeper breath at this point, therapy never managed to really balance how I see failures of myself. I see a lot of things as a actual failure, which admittedly gives me stress. That stress builds up, and eventually explodes towards anyone still standing close to me. I lash out at people, not just flaming but actually trying to hurt them. In a hope they would kill the friendship, walk away from me. It might sound weird, but this circle has been going on for a good while. I actually want people around me, have friends to have a good laugh with, RP with.. but frankly, each time someone gets near I stress out and lash at them.. Getting what I wanted at that point, solitude. I know it isn't right, I know it's far from what I should do, but I can't help it at this point as I see too many things as a failure (and fear upcoming failures too much). I'm feeling I need to fix those first, sort things out before I can actually let things go properly.
I'm really not sure if I should mention any names, so I did my best to make it as vague as possible, but here are some things I see as biggest and hard failure of myself on CotH:
- Ellyn, her suicide was probably the first action of my anti-social behaviour.. I've effectively killed the person who stood central in my friends, after a short OOC argument that was really about nothing. A absence followed after that, managed to tear down the friendships I had build up around here.
- A lot of OOC arguments and fights, resulting in me lashing out at everyone and anyone nearby. I really shouldn't mention names, but I can probably think of at least eight people in the last month I've treated in a way they didn't deserve (GMs and players alike). I'm not sure how to fix this, and probably bothers me the most of any of my actions. People are effectively ignoring me after what I did, and really can't blame them for it.
- Guilds, as weird as it may be. I never had any leading role in any, but I killed characters off effectively at it's prime time which may have caused part of it's downfall. Afterwards, I just couldn't scramble people together to rebuild it, seeing they had moved on. It's something I'm really working on right now in letting it go, and to just learn from my mistakes now.
- Lack of contributing.. I somehow never think I contribute enough, I'm not good with answering lore questions, or voicing my opinion in a discussion (or so I'm telling myself over and over) or argument because I'll simply get heated. I actually had found a fix for that, or so it felt when I resorted to wiki-work, but it's been hard nowadays to keep going with it.
I'm really not sure where I'm heading with this, I'm trying to crawl back out of this shell but letting things go has never been my strong point. (Hence why I went to therapy.) I'm probably treating myself too harsh, with too much paranoia but heh.. I just want to start over with a clean list. IC it's happening very soonish, which I'm glad for, but OOC as well.
Several (former-)friends told me the best way was just to get out there and RP, relax, be myself again.. But that's a impossible task when I constantly fear everyone's opinion, when I fear that my RP style isn't good enough any more, ugh, I'm just rambling here. I've been thinking on what I fear, what's blocking me to just be myself again. The failures above are something, I made a previous thread when the lack of faith arose to the surface, and I actually owe you guys a lot for replying in that one. But I guess what I fear the most is this reputation I've talked myself into having around here, as drama monger or just as a real pain in the ass. So.. I'm trying to kill that fear today, and just say openly that I truly feel crap for what I've done.
As little as apologizes perhaps mean over the internet, I'm sorry for all the fights I've been into with a lot of people on here. Some people have said it was okay, but I truly doubt it myself as I know that when I lash out, I really turn my maturity off and write everything I can think off. I would have named each person one by one, but I don't want to kill their privacy or to make them feel obliged to reply in here. I know I gave you guys a very hard time, each and every single one of you whether you were a GM, or just a player. I know that several off you keep getting shit over and over again, unfair and undeserved.. and I'm clueless on how to make up with things.
If it was real-life, I could show you how bad I feel but over a forum post like this, emotions are really hard to capture especially one like sorrow. At least, if I look at this post I can't help but tell myself that it's not good enough.. again that is.
I'm really not sure how to end this.. or whether I've said everything I wanted to say as I'm merely rambling again now. I get twirled in my thoughts, drag myself down and type a lot of crap that makes no sense to anyone, so heh.. I'll wrap it up. And as a last note, I just wanted to repeat that I really do like the server. I really do enjoy Rping, but whenever I look at it now I feel there's a shadow lurking behind me of my failures, and as easy it is to say "Raise your head, walk on." every step for me equals a thousand of how I was straight after therapy. Everything looked easy then, I did really difficult things for me, actually had a few real life friends.. but heh, times changed and I lost them again. I frankly do not want to lose any more people on here as well, so.. hence this post.
I'm really sorry guys.. I made tons of mistakes, treated each and everyone unfairly and unjust, and I just hope this post makes something of it right. No matter how small it may be, I at least know that I tried to give a explanation to strangers, tried to talk about stuff.. and well, talking helps. And while not being the only one with problems, I know that talking about it like this at least makes me feel slightly relieved. I didn't had a clue on how else to bring it.
Truth is, I've been a real asshole around here. I've made the virtual life around here very bad for others, I've been behaving immaturely, and been teetering on the line of the ban-hammer. The latter being logical, as I've gotten away with more shit then any of you have probably pulled off.
Thing is, I'm really not proud on any of it. And your probably asking yourself why I do it at this point, which is the point where I sat sweating when writing this.
I've been through a good share of real life events, events dragging me into a downwards spiral. And there was a point where I really had hit the bottom of it, dancing on the line of escaping life entirely. I never was foolish enough I guess, and luckily some walls for me prevented me from. I'm not sure if I should go into any details, I think most events are something everyone has been through, or perhaps will go through at some point. However, I never really was strong enough to straighten my back and simply walk on.
So, failing to walk on resulted in Therapy last year. Seven months of it, five days a week, 6 hours each day to be precise. The only thing heavier would have been total lock-up for me in the Netherlands, not going out for a good year. I figured if it failed, I could always still get myself locked up away. You can probably guess the reason why I was there, heh, it's called a depression I guess. The first few months where a total hell for me, the constant affirmation of being there with a real problem, the constant pulling and pushing to get you to talk, let your walls down to actually breathe again. Looking at it afterwards however, I can say it did really help me to some degree.
I'm no longer wishing I wasn't here, no longer tormenting myself with real-life things of the past (virtual is a other story). I remember my first talk there, crying and saying how I wanted to hear the birds again. See the sun light, just fee genuinely happy. And they achieved that for a good while, but also explained me that in my state, I'll always have ups and downs. They managed to balance the ups and downs more, as it normally switched between utter crap, to the happiest kid in the world.
Taking a deeper breath at this point, therapy never managed to really balance how I see failures of myself. I see a lot of things as a actual failure, which admittedly gives me stress. That stress builds up, and eventually explodes towards anyone still standing close to me. I lash out at people, not just flaming but actually trying to hurt them. In a hope they would kill the friendship, walk away from me. It might sound weird, but this circle has been going on for a good while. I actually want people around me, have friends to have a good laugh with, RP with.. but frankly, each time someone gets near I stress out and lash at them.. Getting what I wanted at that point, solitude. I know it isn't right, I know it's far from what I should do, but I can't help it at this point as I see too many things as a failure (and fear upcoming failures too much). I'm feeling I need to fix those first, sort things out before I can actually let things go properly.
I'm really not sure if I should mention any names, so I did my best to make it as vague as possible, but here are some things I see as biggest and hard failure of myself on CotH:
- Ellyn, her suicide was probably the first action of my anti-social behaviour.. I've effectively killed the person who stood central in my friends, after a short OOC argument that was really about nothing. A absence followed after that, managed to tear down the friendships I had build up around here.
- A lot of OOC arguments and fights, resulting in me lashing out at everyone and anyone nearby. I really shouldn't mention names, but I can probably think of at least eight people in the last month I've treated in a way they didn't deserve (GMs and players alike). I'm not sure how to fix this, and probably bothers me the most of any of my actions. People are effectively ignoring me after what I did, and really can't blame them for it.
- Guilds, as weird as it may be. I never had any leading role in any, but I killed characters off effectively at it's prime time which may have caused part of it's downfall. Afterwards, I just couldn't scramble people together to rebuild it, seeing they had moved on. It's something I'm really working on right now in letting it go, and to just learn from my mistakes now.
- Lack of contributing.. I somehow never think I contribute enough, I'm not good with answering lore questions, or voicing my opinion in a discussion (or so I'm telling myself over and over) or argument because I'll simply get heated. I actually had found a fix for that, or so it felt when I resorted to wiki-work, but it's been hard nowadays to keep going with it.
I'm really not sure where I'm heading with this, I'm trying to crawl back out of this shell but letting things go has never been my strong point. (Hence why I went to therapy.) I'm probably treating myself too harsh, with too much paranoia but heh.. I just want to start over with a clean list. IC it's happening very soonish, which I'm glad for, but OOC as well.
Several (former-)friends told me the best way was just to get out there and RP, relax, be myself again.. But that's a impossible task when I constantly fear everyone's opinion, when I fear that my RP style isn't good enough any more, ugh, I'm just rambling here. I've been thinking on what I fear, what's blocking me to just be myself again. The failures above are something, I made a previous thread when the lack of faith arose to the surface, and I actually owe you guys a lot for replying in that one. But I guess what I fear the most is this reputation I've talked myself into having around here, as drama monger or just as a real pain in the ass. So.. I'm trying to kill that fear today, and just say openly that I truly feel crap for what I've done.
As little as apologizes perhaps mean over the internet, I'm sorry for all the fights I've been into with a lot of people on here. Some people have said it was okay, but I truly doubt it myself as I know that when I lash out, I really turn my maturity off and write everything I can think off. I would have named each person one by one, but I don't want to kill their privacy or to make them feel obliged to reply in here. I know I gave you guys a very hard time, each and every single one of you whether you were a GM, or just a player. I know that several off you keep getting shit over and over again, unfair and undeserved.. and I'm clueless on how to make up with things.
If it was real-life, I could show you how bad I feel but over a forum post like this, emotions are really hard to capture especially one like sorrow. At least, if I look at this post I can't help but tell myself that it's not good enough.. again that is.
I'm really not sure how to end this.. or whether I've said everything I wanted to say as I'm merely rambling again now. I get twirled in my thoughts, drag myself down and type a lot of crap that makes no sense to anyone, so heh.. I'll wrap it up. And as a last note, I just wanted to repeat that I really do like the server. I really do enjoy Rping, but whenever I look at it now I feel there's a shadow lurking behind me of my failures, and as easy it is to say "Raise your head, walk on." every step for me equals a thousand of how I was straight after therapy. Everything looked easy then, I did really difficult things for me, actually had a few real life friends.. but heh, times changed and I lost them again. I frankly do not want to lose any more people on here as well, so.. hence this post.
I'm really sorry guys.. I made tons of mistakes, treated each and everyone unfairly and unjust, and I just hope this post makes something of it right. No matter how small it may be, I at least know that I tried to give a explanation to strangers, tried to talk about stuff.. and well, talking helps. And while not being the only one with problems, I know that talking about it like this at least makes me feel slightly relieved. I didn't had a clue on how else to bring it.
Quote:Perhaps one day, at a new sight,- Me, in a poetry named "The Priestess."
We will search again for that light.
Hold it close, between our arms,
Listen again, to the priestess her charms.
