Ramblings from Grakor

[Grakor456]

So, I feel the need to write again, and I suppose I want folks to see more of my thought processes. I don't like being that intimidating presence that people fear for no reason, so random rambles to see some of the things in my head seems like a good idea.

I'll leave you to decide what connection these ramblings have. Perhaps they have no connection. We'll see.

---

I'll begin with a story. This is a cautionary tale that I've told others in the GM team in the past, but I think it serves as a commentary overall on what can happen to folks who take such a position if they're not ready for it.

There once was a GM on the server. One of the originals, in fact. She was one of the sweetest folks you'd ever meet, nice to everyone and always helpful to folks coming onto the server. When we first promoted her, Kretol and I both counted her as one of our closest friends on the server. She was promoted without question, and for a while did a lot of good things with her position.

However, as time went on, she became more strained by the job. She became cynical. She pointed everyone to read and do their own work on finding things out about the server rather than help them herself, due to the constant repetition of certain questions. She became jaded, expecting the worst in folks. Over time, the position became too much for her. She eventually left CotH and the staff.

I haven't heard from her since.

People make mistakes. GMs have a stressful job just by having to deal with people. We're not trained customer service professionals, we're just folks volunteering to help a community we love. Sometimes dealing with people, both good and bad, on a more consistent basis will change someone's views and put more pressure on them. Everyone makes mistakes.

I don't pretend to be immune to this either.

---

Remember server clean-ups? Some of you might. "These people are obvious trouble-makers. They need to go."

Thinking back on it, I think it was a mistake.

Apparently some folks are harboring rumors that this is going to happen again. I can't fathom why such a rumor ever started, because we haven't done this in ages, nor was there any intention of doing them again. Sometimes it comes up from our older GMs who remember the "good old days" (Why, in my day, people RESPECTED the GMs! We don't have folks back-talking us and throwing snide comments all the time, because they knew better!) Such an idea has never gained any support, however.

It's funny how some rumors spread, seemingly just to create more drama.

---

We've been having drama a lot lately, haven't we? I look back on my previous blog posts and I have to frown at all the drama we've had. People can never agree. Folks with different opinions clash and you see folks at either their best or their worst.

Some of you I don't like. I don't expect this to be shocking, we all have folks that we don't really care for. I'm quite certain that there are some folks reading this that don't like me. Such is life.

Some of you surprised me, however. I saw someone who I had developed a negative opinion on show a surprising amount of maturity and respect when I wasn't expecting it.

Thank you.

---

It's staggering when I think about how the CotH of today is different from how it was two, three years ago. We've had some big changes, some positive and some negative.

Removal of prestiges? Yeah, I stand by that decision, though I admit I may have been hasty and done it too soon. Nonetheless, I think CotH is in an overall better place than it was in the past, with players able to do more now than they were in the past. Of course, some may disagree. It's all opinion.

I was in a rush, I think. A month seems like a long time to wait, until a year goes by and you wonder where all the time went.

I think that, overall, CotH is a much more relaxed place than it was in the past. The removal of vouches? Did quite a bit to lower the feelings of elitism that were running rampant, I feel.

Of course, I'd ask for opinions, but I'm afraid of another drama storm stirring. I'd like to have at least one positive thread on my blog.

Maybe I should post about puppies and rainbows one of these days.

---

It's funny thinking about it. I enjoyed Winter's Veil. I generally don't like Christmas due to feelings of loneliness and general resentment, but I did have fun giving gifts here.

It's the little things, eh?

I tend to be stand-offish while in the OOCC. That's not because I don't enjoy talking, I just don't enjoy getting crowded. It seems I can never find a happy medium there, either I'm just sitting by myself or everyone is surrounding me and poking me for things. I'm simply not used to large crowds. Or public speaking. It's funny to think about given that I'm an admin of the server. I have a story regarding literal shaking, head to toe, while giving a speech during my senior year of high school English.

Life seemed simpler then, thinking about it.

Some folks claim that I never RP. My answer is "who would I RP with?" It's funny, no one ever asks me in the OOCC if I want to RP with them.

I'm scary, I suppose.

---

I have no profound thoughts to end this. Just more rambling. Maybe this was a nice read. Maybe it was a waste of time. I dunno. I'm just writing.

Have fun, all. Try to keep the drama down for me, will you?

[Piken]

Hay Grak. Wanna RP?

[ImagenAshyun]

Hearts for you, girlmanfriend. I'm glad you've decided to clear your mind through vocal rambling.

[Cressy]

<3

[Rigley]

...Grakor!

I'm always up for RP with you. I actually tend to assume you're either too busy or not up for RP though when I see you around. You usually seem to be playing something else, or working with school. I guess I kinda assume that to be the default mode when I interact with you now.

We should talk more. Or sing. Or something.

[Xigo]

Eh. I can relate to the mentioned 'GM'.

It just kinda sucks when all your good memories of the server come from times -before- you took a position to try and help it. You come in ready to give it your all, day after day getting knocked down a peg to try and rise up again. People doing their best to manipulate or lie or cheat or get away with what they're doing. You see it enough times after a while, and you come to expect it. Comes to a point where you can't just take someone's word anymore. Needs proof.

... Standing up gets hard after you've fallen enough times.

[Cressy]

Or if you do stand up and refuse to take the crap, you are seen as cynical and vicious.

Which blows.

[Psychyn]

Grakoor.. Been ages since we RPed, but the time we did.. Was just awesome. I admit, it opened a whole new viewpoint for me as well, seeing you as player instead of that of an Admin. Frankly made me realize that ranks didn't matter in RP, they still don't.

What can I say? I feel like giving you an hug but that probably crosses personal boundaries. Maybe just punch you on the shoulder with the only male I've ever RPed on CotH. Awkwardness ensued.

.. Where am I going? No idea. You aren't scary, that's what this post should probably contain. I enjoyed reading your post, though it made me a little sad.

Iunno. Let's just RP again sometime? Heck Grakor, I'd roll an actual Orc for you if you wanted it.. Though inside, I'm still smiling about our two humans on a camping trip. At any rate ; Either you get up early, or I'll stay up late. We'll find some chance to RP again, that's a promise at least.

[Piroska]

As a former staff member and someone who left in part due to complications with other players (hopefully before I got to the cynical state!) I can definitely relate a bit to what you've posted. I think that the role of Game Master becomes significantly easier when people begin to consider how it is on the other side of the fence; these are individuals who selflessly contribute time and effort to help out and people often forget that when dealing with the staff.

I still feel that a lot of problems can be avoided if there were a little more transparency and definitely a lot more communication on both sides, but the vast majority of it boils down to courtesy and an understanding of other people's perspectives.

Also, to follow up on the idea of thinking about another person's perspective, I'll include this recent story about a seven-year old boy and a vilified (American) football player:

Kyle Williams probably hasn't been opening much of his mail recently. The 49ers receiver who had the disastrous NFC championship game has probably seen and heard quite enough from the general public for now. Death threats as a response to football mistakes can probably make a man retreat from view.

But there's at least one letter that Williams may actually want to receive and read.

Ben Mankiewicz, a contributor to The Huffington Post passes along a letter written to Williams by his friend's little boy: a 7-year-old named Owen. Owen loves his 49ers and was as crestfallen as any other Niners fan when the Giants pulled out the overtime victory.

Here's Owen's story, from Mankiewicz:

He was crying, saying of Kyle Williams, with the distinct sobs of a 7-year-old between each word, "But... why... did he... have to... fumble?"

Trying to get his son to stop crying, Michael asked him, "If you feel this way, how sad do you think Kyle Williams is?"

Owen paused a second, then asked his dad, "Can I write him a letter to make him feel better?"

Here's the full text (and yes, it's unedited for grammar and spelling, but this kid is 7 ‒ the Twitter lynch mob has no such excuse):

• Dear Mr. Williams,
  We just watched the Playoff game. I feel really bad for you but I wanted to tell you that you had a great season. you sould be very proud, so I wanted to say thank you.
  I am your #1 FAN!
  Owen Shure
  Los Angeles, CA
  p.s. your awsome

All it took to transform sobbing, frustrated anger into human compassion is one thoughtful question from a concerned father.

It's human nature to get angry when things don't go our way; everyone does. But as evolved humans, we learn to get past that, and quickly move on to understanding, patience and basic respect for our fellow man.

Owen just learned that lesson at age 7. As Twitter showed us after the Kyle Williams incident, a lot of people still haven't. Maybe this letter can teach them.

(source)

On a slightly related note, I'm always a little disappointed when the Conquest of the Horde community reacts so negatively to threads thanking people for their efforts because they're afraid that it'll cause drama. Being publicly appreciative and recognizing others for their contributions and selfless efforts should be a good thing. I've seen numerous other communities and sites (many with more active members than ours) maintain 'Thank you' threads for when people do things for others -- all without the drama-llama that people seem to expect here.

It seems asinine to me.

Also, Grakor, you scare me, but given our similarities I have a lot of respect and empathy for you.

[McKnighter]

Welp.

Never role-played with you before. We talked, maybe a few times on Vent when I was on that. Maybe argued once or twice since I was often called in to support some sort of debate that I really didn't care about. That's about all of my experience with you and I viewed you base on 'em. I'd say you aren't the big old bad guy, even with all of the rumors and such thrown my way.

I should make a non-Blood Elf horde character sometime.

[ChampionMouse]

Psh. You should poke me on skype anytime you want. Mochla needs her favorite son back. :P (Just don't tell the other ones.)

[Rigley]

Eh. I can relate to the mentioned 'GM'.

I actually remember being told this story only a few days ago, heh.

It just kinda sucks when all your good memories of the server come from times -before- you took a position to try and help it.

Aye. I think I've said before that I honestly think I RP'd more before becoming a GM than afterwards. I've always given the example of me sitting in a bar, puppeting an NPC for a group rather than interacting with my character who is just seated nearby.

We should RP sometime, Xigo. Text or on CotH, I'm sure we can figure something out.

You come in ready to give it your all, day after day getting knocked down a peg to try and rise up again. People doing their best to manipulate or lie or cheat or get away with what they're doing. You see it enough times after a while, and you come to expect it. Comes to a point where you can't just take someone's word anymore. Needs proof.

... Standing up gets hard after you've fallen enough times.

Relating back to the story above, I like to think I've been largely unchanged since I took the position of GM. And I kinda think that while I'm not necessarily all the more different because of it, I'll say this: I think it certainly brings out the worst in me. I get really angry, I get really sad, etc. I think part of that is because there never seems to be much of a resolution to things. Because once one drama'splosion is done there's another one starting or someone causing trouble somewhere. Sometimes it's not drama, its just a general feeling of a lack of value.
In example I commonly will recall the announcement post regarding the new abilities open for mages (that being a scope of spells of water and lightning), and how in the first page there developed an argument as to why earth couldn't be used as well. You know, in reality I shouldn't really have been bothered by that. In reality this was just asking for another variation which people found plausible; from the perspective of a GM though this was more along the lines of 'Yeah, that stuff is nice. Can we have some more though?'

And I guess that's what has changed; how I perceive people. Because of lack of interest in builds and events, requests don't seem as genuine interests, but just greedy demands. Explanations seem like excuses, and as Xigo echoed I have a -very- hard time taking someone's word on a matter without some sort of upfront proof or credibility already to them. I kinda tend to expect the worst of people when having to deal with discipline. To give you context as to why I would like to bring up a single log exchanged between a player and I regarding a name change. While I do not intend to copy the full log or disclose the name of the player banned, during the course of ten minutes of dialogue with this player I was:

-Spoken down to like a child
-Insulted with vulgar language
-Accused of sleeping my way onto the GM team
-Accused of abusing my position

And briefly after a complaint was filed by the player saying that I had approached him and demanded 'oral sex' from him in exchange for not getting him banned.

This, again, was just from simply requesting a name change from someone. And this is only one case; while it is indeed an extreme that does not mean that lesser incidents like it do not occur on a much more regular basis. After a while you just expect people to act poorly towards you, since it's just the general attitude you relieve when speaking to them.

I'll fully admit that there are people I have misjudged because of this. I'm not proud of that. I hope they took my recent apology to heart, if they were on the receiving end of some of my curt treatment.

...Huh. Now that I think of it I think I've completely lost my sense of direction as to where I was going in this post.

I guess I'll conclude with this.

Sometimes dealing with people, both good and bad, on a more consistent basis will change someone's views and put more pressure on them. Everyone makes mistakes.

I don't pretend to be immune to this either.

Because that pretty much could have more concisely summed up my ramble above. I will say that in the past I've let stress get to me. I've considered quitting the GM team (or CotH in general) many times, and have twice even approached you, Grakor, to request such. But I think in the end I'm pretty glad you were there to talk me down. I know from this post it must seem like I am quite negative about my position and from our time on teamspeak I'm sure more than once I've given the impression that I just simply hate everything concerning the rank. But I don't. I get frustrated, but in the end I always mellow out. It's probably not always readily evident, but even though I get frustrated and post stuff like this I do have fun. I just wish we could focus more on that than bickering in drama threads and going for one another's throats.

[Harmonic]

I'm a month late here, but, I have to agree with you, Grak. The idea of "In my day, we respected GMs" is silly. Along with that, goes the whole idea of stress and workload. Truthfully, I can't say I wasn't jaded either, because I became a major jerk along the way, at least on here. Part of the reason I'm often absent from this website is because it gets to me, and I -really- don't know why. I could rant and rave about drama and how this here person would have never gotten away with x, because in MY day we didn't have that...

But I'd be lying my butt off. If anything, I think GM's should look at this hard. Don't let yourselves get stressed. When you do, you get edgey, and irratable. HONESTLY I convinced myself that "Stuff on the internet doesn't effect my attitude! It's the internet!"

Don't let yourself do that. It -can- be frustrating. It -can- be taxing. That's why I preach bein' chill so freakin' often. It's a darn gaming website folks. If this was serious bussiness, you'd be getting paid, laid, or beaten. That's honestly how you gotta look at it... and yes, I'm paraphrasing.

[Xigo]

I'M BEATEN EMOTIONALLY, RENSIN.

I GOT SCARS, MAAAAAAAAAN.

[Harmonic]

I'M BEATEN EMOTIONALLY, RENSIN.

I GOT SCARS, MAAAAAAAAAN.

Maybe not you personally, but I've seen it happen with a majority of the GMs. I understand completely that you are joking, but this is serious advice that -far- to often people downplay like this or just outright ignore.

Or you could just be making fun of me, I can really never tell anymore, heh. Don't really care either.