Épreuves de la vie

[SachikoMaeda]

They're going to kill me in here, I know it. I just managed to find my journal in a crate after the other prisoners were set free. Fel, I'm so thankful Keyus is here. Arilyn should be getting better since she's been with the doctor. Same with Zalyen. There's an illness going around supposedly from volcanic ash. I found a mask that filters the air. I shouldn't get sick with it on. Though if the illness doesn't get me, someone else will.

It's only a matter of time until food runs low. When it does, they'll get more territorial. That standard human... Guy is his name? He said that some of Faceless's other people will be here to investigate the collapsed entrance. I don't think that's true. I think we're going to be left here to rot. Keyus... He won't let me die. He'll keep me safe. I need to get Guy to take that anti-magic collar off of him before he wakes up and gets pissed off again. He got mine off. I can only draw fel though from my healthstones. I can't find any other sources. I've gone on too long before without fel and it's ripping me apart inside. I got drunk last night to ignore it. I know that because I woke up face down on an unconscious Keyus with the taste of a dead man in my mouth.

I don't remember how I got stuck in here, but I did. Once Keyus gets up I know we'll be able to leave. I should be safe. Should be. Should be. At least I had left my Voidwalker to care for Aenin in my absence. Dumbass Faelara bought that he was dead. She apologized for all her idiocy that got him where he is in the first place. Well, he's safe now. Past is past. I suppose we could try to be friends. Though if she finds out I lied about Aenin dying, I'll have to kill her. And I'll make sure I succeed.

I really do need to talk to Anna about this once she's better. And if I get out of here.

[SachikoMaeda]

Since the escape from that volcano place, I haven't left Keyus's side. I just now got to reading the letter Arilyn had left me. She left one for Keyus and Ayden also, but I'm not going to read those.

Enclosed is a tightly folded letter.

To my son, Doran.

I am going to be completely honest with you. I have what the doctors call Consumption, a disease that has a 50% chance of killing its victim. And, sadly, it will take me soon.

I didn't want to tell you while we were in that building, being kidnapped, because I didn't want to add to your stress and put you in despair, but you have to know now. I will be gone soon.

When you can, contact a man in Silvermoon named Daryon Sunbreeze. He is the only man in my past that I trust, and he will give you your inheritance as soon as you tell him of my passing. He will know what to do.

My dear, sweet little boy, I am so sorry. I tried to fight it as long as I can, but...I am getting along in years. I am not the young woman I used to be, Doran. Death comes for us all eventually, but you still have a long life ahead of you.

Continue to be my strong little man, and remember to be happy no matter what. Your happiness is all I could ever ask for.

Forgive me for failing you, Doran.

Arilyn Shadewhisper

I'm so scared. I don't want to give Keyus his letter yet. Maybe it's all a misunderstanding and Arilyn isn't really sick. I don't even know where Ayden is, so I can't give him his. She can't really be sick. She can't die this soon! I barely even got to spend time with her! I don't want to lose my mother all over again. But why would she say she failed me? She never failed me. She is one of the best people I've ever known! I don't want to lose her. I really don't.

I can't cry because then Keyus would ask what's wrong. I don't want him to know yet. I'll figure something out. Eventually I'll have to man up and give him this letter. But how can I tell him she's going to die so soon? That we have to sit and watch her die and we can't do anything to stop it. We can't help her if Dr. Dino couldn't help her. I don't like this. I don't want her to leave. She's been my mom since they day I met her and Ayden both. She helped convince me that Ayden didn't hate me. She helped me out when Keyus chose Ayden over me. Again when Larenir died. How can she ever be replaced? She can't be. That's how.

I'll wait, I suppose, until the right time to give Keyus this letter. And when I see Ayden again, I'll have to give him his. I hope they don't hate me for this...

[SachikoMaeda]

Soon. Soon I'll talk to Keyus about Arylin. I still have the letters. I don't know if I have it in me to do this alone. I don't know how Keyus will react. I don't want to upset him. That's the last thing I would ever want to do. I need more courage. Hmm. If I get the chance maybe me and him can go do something like when we visited Thousand Needles. I really did like that trip. I'd love to have another one! Even if I did have to give him the bad news. But anyways...

Thinking about Arilyn has made me start thinking about Larenir again. I still miss him. I wish I could see him again. Just one last time. Maybe he could help me talk to Keyus and Aydendril. Or maybe even Arilyn. I haven't seen her lately either. I think she's trying to keep me from getting sick. I don't want to get sick, but I don't want her to disappear either! I wish I could see her more. She is my mother after all!

Maybe I should find someone to talk to about all this. I hear therapists help when dealing with these sorts of things. Maybe one could also help with the nightmares I'm still having...

[SachikoMaeda]

"I won't let anyone hurt you like that," a male elf with long black hair said, facing away, "You need to learn to defend yourself better. You're a damn warlock, Doran. You should have been able to protect yourself." He seemed to be far too occupied staring at the massive forest of evergreen pine trees to look elsewhere.

"You don't understand, I couldn't. He was my friend."

"Friends don't do that," he responded, not bothering to look, "If I see him again, I'll kill him with my own hands."

"I don't want people to die..."

"People die, Doran. You can't stop that."

"I can't. I know that. That's why you're dead."

The forest vanished along with the elf. Within a split second and no thought of it, the surroundings changed to his bedroom. The small house in Hearthglen Doran had been staying in since he joined the Argent Crusade. It felt smaller than usual, as if the walls crept in on him. There was a feeling of fear from every direction. He looked around quickly to find another elf. Long red hair. Porcelain pale skin. Dark eyes. Ralerian. He didn't seem to have any particular emotion on his face.

"I don't know what is so hard for you to understand about this. He's gone, Doran. His last wishes were for you to learn his art," Ralerian spoke, every word drilling more fear into the room.

"I can't. I can't use the Shadow like he could. No matter what. I refuse to use it."

"He wanted you to use it. I guess you do not want to carry out his final wishes."

"And how do you know they were his wishes? He'd know that I wouldn't want to use the art that killed him!"

"That's all you do? Run around and cry about how you can't do a thing right?" a female voice said. Ralerian seemed to disappear at her words along with the feeling of imminent doom, "You can do better than that."

"It's not that it's just-"

"I don't want to hear it," the human girl said, her freckles twitching as she wiggled her nose, "How many times do I have to tell you to quit being so negative? Just do it."

"Then I will. Not just because Larenir wanted it."

That sense of accomplishment. Making that one person proud. That was his motivation for everything. He craved it more than the fel that powered his magic. Maybe if he made that one person proud, they wouldn't leave. All he wanted was for things to stay the same. The way things were before he started traveling. His wants were nothing more than a slippery slope of contradictions. Every step of the way. He wanted everything to be the same, but he wanted the change of improvement. He wanted to make everyone happy, yet he wanted to hurt others so badly he didn't even know who he was.

"I tried to kill unborn children. Is that something a normal person would do?"

There was no response. No one was in the room now. He sat there alone on his bed, silently hugging himself.

"I don't want to be alone."

Do I want Larenir?

"He's gone. I can't have him."

What about Aenin?

"He's not the same. I know deep down he hates me. He hates me for what I've done to him. I know it."

He lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. It wasn't the ceiling of his home. He knew he was no longer in his home. It was that one room at the back of the tavern in Booty Bay. For so long he stated up at that ceiling when the others were gone. He'd stare for hours just thinking things over. Contemplating what he would do. How he could possibly best Aydendril and win Keyus's affection.

What a pointless endeavor.

It was all he wanted since he was put in this situation. Since the first time he looked up to the half rotted wood that held the room together. To win emotions that were more than likely nonexistent and would never be there. He looked to the door slowly, seeing Keyus propped in the doorway, arms crossed and his usual blank expression.

He sat up and smiled. What a dork.

"What."

"Nothing. I just haven't seen you in a while."

Keyus shrugged it off, not offering a verbal response beyond a quiet grunt.

"Are you alright? If there's something you want I can go get it."

Just smile for once.

Keyus stared back. "No."

Even in his dreams Keyus didn't talk much. He knew what the Death Knight wanted. It was something that no matter how hard he tried.

"Are you sure?"

The other elf stared off, not answering for what felt like an eternity.

"I want to be alive."

The words repeated again, but not in the Death Knight's voice. It hissed like a monster. The feeling of fear began to overwhelm him again as his throat tightened. Someone was choking him. He tried crying out for help. Keyus was still standing there, but he didn't seem aware of what was happening. Just as the words reached his throat, he was forced awake.

---

No matter what, I keep having nightmares. I woke up screaming again. I'm sure Keyus thinks I'm insane or something. I've seen therapists and tried to talking to people about it, but it doesn't change that I keep having these odd dreams. I guess I shouldn't think too much about it. Dreams don't last forever, right?

I think I'll have to find Ralerian soon and see if he can find someone that can teach me about Shadow. I've been thinking about it for so long. I don't want to use it, but I know Larenir and Keyus want me safe. Maybe I'll learn some Shadow... A little more fire... And maybe Keyus can show me how to use my sword better! I want to be able to defend myself in any situation.

[SachikoMaeda]

Spoiler:

OOC Note: The middle portion is an adaptation of an in-game RP between Doran and Dalikan (zenethen).

Laughter. I hear laughter.

I'm surrounded by fields. Flowers. The elf that haunted my dreams seemed to be running through the grass and flowers that came to his chest with arms outstretched. He was the one who was laughing. He looked so happy. It made me happy to see him smiling. The elf opened his eyes, looking to me. His eyes were odd. They were full of life, but at the same time they were dead to me.

"You know it's not safe for you to be here," he said, the smile slowly fading from his face, "You could get hurt."

"But I came here to see you. I haven't seen you in so long."

"You shouldn't be here," his words became dark along with the surroundings.

"But I wanted to see you. And talk to you."

"Go back home, Doran. Now."

The flowers wilted. The grass fell limp. The trees lost their leaves. The land died as the elf's gaze grew darker. The all too familiar feeling of fear became overwhelming again. He moved forward, his gaze not moving from mine, "I said leave. Go before you get hurt! There are people there that still need you. You're not ready to join me." His hands went to my neck.

Why do you want to choke me? Are you that jealous?

You loved me. Why would you want to kill me after you fought for me? Why are you doing this?

"LEAVE!"

---

My eyes opened instantly, looking down to my lap. A small bouquet of flowers rested on my lap. The dark green leaves and bright red petals. Our two favorite colors.

I hate this land. This is where I lost him. The land here is dead and unforgiving. I knew I was awake now. The intense fear had subsided from the soothing sounds of my Hawkstrider, Felo'melorn, clawing and pecking at the ground. I sighed, gently shaking my head, "Damnit..." I looked from the flowers to the river. I could almost feel Larenir by me in this spot.

"I don't even know if you're here. No one knows where you ran off to die. Or if you're even dead. And now I'm talking to myself again."

I stood slowly. My back and legs were sore from the trip and the nap. I nervously scratched the back of my head, "Yeah well... Mmrh... This isn't easy at all. And if you're mad at me, I understand. I guess... I mean, I'd be mad at me too." I waved the flowers with the other hand in a gentle, circular motion, "You know I'm not good at this stuff... But I talked with Ralerian. Nearly wet myself. He said he'd teach me some of the stuff you knew. And Keyus said he'd look out for me too since you can't really... Uh... Do.... Anything anymore..."

I held the flowers carefully with both hands, "If you're jealous, I can understand why. I mean, I know you never really liked him... And... I was an idiot for always wanting to chase after him and stuff. But it paid off, really. I mean, not that I didn't like our time together or anything!" I waved my hands in a defensive manner, careful not to rustle the flowers too badly, "Because that was really great! Like that one time in the woods when we... Uh... N-nevermind... But I guess what I'm trying to say is it's all going well all things considered."

I sighed yet again, kneeling down to the dirt and resting the flowers against the tree, "I know you like trees and flowers. So... Try to be happy? Mmh... I didn't even do this for my own parents... I guess I'll see you soon." The words barely left my mouth. This is far too depressing, but I wanted to talk with him before I went back to training. I wanted him to know I wanted to learn his art.

I slowly moved to Felo'melorn, grabbing his reins to lead him off. I looked down the path, noting someone standing there. Back turned to me. His head turned faintly. I could see his face.

All I could feel was fear. Fear. And an immense rage. I had never felt this before. That was the man. That was the bastard. He's the one I want dead more than anyone.

Dalikan Godford. The bastard that killed Larenir.

He turned his head away and began walking off. He thinks he can just walk off? After what he did? I can't let him walk off. Not for Larenir's sake. I have to move. Curse him. Burn him alive. Slice him to pieces. I have to do something. Why can't I move?

He whistled. Something inside me clicked. I ran at him quickly. I can't even think. All I see is him. I quickly draw my sword and tried to slice at the human that had caused me all this torment. I didn't even think that I haven't had the chance to sharpen my blade lately. I couldn't even see anymore to tell if I was succeeding. All I could do was swing this blade, cry, and pray that I can avenge Larenir's death.

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO HIM!" I yelled through a shaky voice.

The blade caught. I couldn't move it. No matter what, the blade wouldn't move. It has to move. I have to kill him. I could feel his hand move to try and take my blade. He spoke after a sigh, "Read the note." I felt the sword leave my hands as he pulled it away and tossed it to the side.

I can fight unarmed. I threw punches at his plated armor, even if it hurt my hands. All I could do was try to bring him down. "I'LL KILL YOU!" I repeated, eyes shut tight. I couldn't stand to look at him.

He tried speaking to me, but I couldn't hear him. I didn't want to hear him. Nothing he can say will justify his actions. I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was a soothing feeling. My bruised hands struck at the human a few more times before I fell to my knees in a sobbing mess.

"Read the note. I have no ill intentions towards you."

What note? I don't give a damn about any notes! I give a damn about Larenir and protecting Keyus from monsters like you! "I'll never forgive you for killing him!" I grabbed a handful of dirt, quickly tossing it at the human.

"I know you won't. Just know that I regret ever committing such a cruel crime... It was unjust."

"Then why?! Why'd you do it?! We never did anything to you!" I threw more dirt, "If you just let us go, he would still be alive!"

"Because I was young, stupid, and choking on my own damn pride."

"I hate you! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!"

He let out another soft sigh, "Just know that I am sorry. I regret what I did. I am ashamed of what I did."

I heard him climb onto the horse. He wasn't going to kill me? I'm such an idiot. I could've been killed. I felt my forehead touch the ground. I can't think again. Somehow words just left my mouth just barely. "I don't know... If I should try to kill you or thank you..."

"You know what will happen if you try to kill me. Fighting a Templar by yourself would be suicide," his voice then took to curiosity, "And why would you thank me, Doran, for such a horrible act?"

"Because I'd never be able to make him happy... He died knowing I cared and that I'd never hurt him...I knew I'd end up hurting him worse than you did."

"Then it could be said he died a good death. Yet still an unjust death."

"I don't even know where he died... Or where his body is."

"He was slain shortly after yourself. Atop that bridge. His body is..." he paused, "I am not sure... I fled when his allies arrived."

I'm sorry, Larenir. "He didn't even get a proper funeral..."

"I know that there is likely no way for you to forgive me... So I will leave you to your grieving."

I heard his horse slowly clop away. I looked up as rage overwhelmed me again. All I could do was yell failed curses at him in Thalassian. Once he was out of my sight, I knew I failed. I failed Larenir again. I couldn't protect him and now I couldn't avenge him. I couldn't even stop him to keep him from harming Keyus. All I could do now was the only thing I knew how to do. One thing that had never failed me.

I cried for what felt like hours before leaving to find Keyus again.

---

That bastard had the audacity to show his face. I'll get revenge for Larenir some day. And I'll protect Keyus from that human no matter what. He already took one love from me and I won't let him take Keyus from me. I won't fail them ever again. I hate being a failure. I hate it! I'm going to learn everything Ralerian and Elend can teach me. Then I'll go find Aydendril so he can teach me even more. Then Keyus can show me everything he knows about sword fighting. I'm going to kill Dalikan Godford. I swear it upon the grave he forced Larenir into.

I'll make sure he can never tear away anyone that's dear to another again. I'll keep Keyus safe just as he vowed to keep me safe. Damned Light users. Anna is the only good one I know so far. And Laeladrian. He looks so much like Larenir.

[SachikoMaeda]

I don't know where I am this time. The architecture is like a human-made building. I've never been here before. At least, I don't think I have. It seems these hallways don't end. No matter where I turn, the dim lit hallways go on. There don't seem to be any doors. It's like I'm trapped inside this small space.

There's that laughter again.

It sounds so far off. I have to look harder to find the source. I managed to find a door after what seemed like countless more turns. The room seemed to be empty save for the furniture. A dusty and neatly made bed, a lone chair, and a desk with a lit candle. Regardless of the flame, it didn't seem to aid in lighting the room. I approached the desk with curiosity, trying to read the papers that were strewn about. Perhaps they could tell me where I was.

The letters were nothing but a jumbled mess. They seemed to be impossible to read even though I knew the language. Unable to decipher the papers, I set them back where they were and turned to leave the room. It seemed to shift with the turn. The bed was now a mess as if someone had climbed out from under the sheets. The chair was closer to the door than the desk. A major change, but it was not that great of a problem to me. It was almost as if I had known someone was sleeping there.

A familiar masculine voice sang a child's lullaby in Thalassian. The distant voice seemed to get closer.

I backed up to the desk again, slowly ducking under it. My gaze never left the doorway as the singing grew closer. I felt my heart race as if it were stuck in my throat. The soft singing quieted even though I felt the presence of its source creep closer.

"This place is not safe."

I had no clue where that baritone voice rang from. It was not the source of the singing. It was far too deep. The words sent chills down my spine. Masking the fear that had crept upon me, the voice seemed to be soothing, almost fatherly. I didn't bother looking away from the door.

"You should know better than to stay. Run to where it is safe. You cannot save the ones here."

There were others here in danger? It seems as if I had known that from the start. That was why I was here. Right?

"Run, little Goldquill boy."

The voice seemed almost taunting.

"You know what happened the last time you tried to stay. When you thought you could stand on your own and fight."

The singing began once again. That same Thalassian lullaby. I didn't feel that I was hiding under the desk in the poorly lit room again. The door was no longer there. I felt as though I were back in Silvermoon. That one inn by the gates. This overly decorated room. So many colors. I didn't look around. In front of me was a man's chest covered in bandages.

"Just tell me what you want and I will make it happen."

That baritone voice. I know where I am. I remember this. I remember the fear. To be so close to the man that had caused Aydendril so much pain. The one I've feared since I first heard his name.

Ralerian.

I felt the fear I had on that day. The day I told him I wanted Aydendril gone. In an odd way, he was right. I told him what I had wanted that day and it oddly came to be. Though, I regretted it. I regretted it every step of the way. Aydendril had become a big brother to me. Someone I looked up to. Someone I wanted to see again. Ralerian is now the closest I have to Aydendril.

Regardless if he terrified me, I would accept him as a father.

"I want to learn what Larenir has learned."

"That is not what you asked for last time."

"I don't want what I asked for last time. I have what I wanted then."

"That's correct. You are without Aydendril now. And you're without Larenir now, too. Am I correct? You wanted neither, so you have neither. And chances are you'll never see Aydendril again. He could have run off and gotten himself killed now couldn't he?"

I didn't want to hear this. I quickly pushed myself away and ran. I kept running no matter what. His voice seemed to follow me even though I could hardly understand him now. The feeling of fear and guilt. It weighed me down and made it so much harder. I kept running until I felt grass underneath my feet. The soft wet ground. I was wearing shoes only moments ago. I looked around the grassy plains. Though the environment was calming, I still had the looming feeling of terror.

The singing again.

The dark haired elf stood in the field, singing his song. The tall grass blocked out his lower half. His body was all too familiar. He looked over his shoulder to look to me, his singing halting.

"You came back."

"Of course I did."

"You don't listen very well."

"When have I ever listened?"

"When it was what you wanted to hear."

If he was right, would I still be standing here? The elf approached me, his arms outstretched and skimming along the top of the grass. He was shorter than me as always, his head turned up only faintly to look up at me, "Only when you wanted to hear it. Everyone always tells you it wasn't your fault, right?"

"Right."

"Do you believe them?"

"Hardly, I-"

"So you don't listen to them. You might have accepted it, but you still feel all the guilt."

His tone slowly got darker, "It will always be your fault no matter what."

The fear intensified again. He placed a hand to my chest, pushing me away. It was like his hands were made of ice. It was not a very strong push, but it was enough to make his point clear, "Go away. I never want to see you again."

"That's a lie."

"How do you know that? My death is on your hands, right? If you killed me, then why would I want to see you?"

"I didn't kill you. The human did."

"But you're the guilty one. Now leave."

"But I-"

He shoved me yet again, this time much more violently. I fell backwards, lost staring up at the sky. So much fear. I no longer wish to be here. I have to leave. The human will kill me again. I know he will. It is only a matter of time. I have to leave before my heart stops from this fear. I can't even think anymore.

Just wake up.

---

My training with Elend began the other day. I've been staying not too far from him and Aendron while they're here in Silvermoon. I hate sleeping alone. The nightmares are so much worse then. I should find Keyus when I'm not practicing. Or go get Aenin. Any way, I doubt I should sleep alone and I don't think Elend or Aendron would appreciate me bothering them with my own fears. Aendron's just as creepy as Ralerian, if not creepier. He just lays there and stares at me. And wheezes. Why does he wheeze so much? It's scary!

I wonder how Elend can tolerate that sound. It's like Aendron's dying or something. He should probably get that looked at. And why does he keep glaring at me? I can see him right now just staring at me while I'm writing. I think I'd rather be around Ralerian than him. I'm not even near him and Elend! I'm all the way on the other side of the room! Someone make him stop staring at me!

[SachikoMaeda]

Sleep is something I haven't had in so long. I don't know why. I just don't feel safe anymore. Arylin has to focus on getting better and Ayden can't see well enough to fight. I haven't seen Keyus in weeks. That jerk. I just don't know what to do anymore. I spend the nights wide awake now. I'm just too scared to sleep. Every time I close my eyes to rest, I just relive that moment where I died. I died. I was dead. How can I possibly still be here? How did Larenir not come back? I shouldn't even be thinking about this.

I don't really know what my purpose is these days. I seem to just float around randomly and wait for Keyus to show up. What will I do when he shows up anyways? I don't really do anything. I've nothing more to prove to him these days. I've got what I want for the most part. Fel, I don't know what I want other than sleep. Sleep without nightmares. That would be great. No. Actually. Sleep without nightmares would be amazing. It would be the best thing ever. No more angry Larenir ghost haunting my dreams would be amazing.

I just realized how long it's been since I wrote in this thing. I almost forgot I had it. Seems I misplaced it the last time I was writing. I guess I do end up doing stupid things when I'm sleep deprived. I wonder what Anna's doing. I haven't seen her in a while.

That yucky Faelara poopiehead is getting married. To like, what, her five-hundredth boyfirend? How many does that girl need? And then she has the guts enough to prey on Aenin? And the idiot even fell for what I told her about him running off to Northrend. How stupid. He's been such a nice house guest for me. Though since he left the nightmares got worse. Damnit. Maybe I should invite him over again some day. He can keep King Cat entertained again! I think that little cat misses him too. He's always sleeping on his pillow. Oh, but anyways. That dress. I made a few notes about it.

Tucked between the pages is a crude drawing of a Night Elf fighting some sort of tree monster.

She'll look like a tree monster. Then a Kaldorei will fight her for her eyes. Then that kaldorei can eat them like candies. Just like Keyus said!

... Not sure if that's nice. But darn does it sound funny to me.

[SachikoMaeda]

Day or night? There was no telling in these lands. Time seemed to stand still in the dense air of the fel-infested lands of Shadowmoon. A small clearing by a cliff was home of a poorly constructed camp. From the looks of the small structures, it was by no means a temporary home. A lone red Hawkstrider made itself a roosting area beside the poorly constructed tent. It's owner was the only elf in the area. He had occupied himself with a simple task of creating a campfire. He readied a few stones, gathered a few small branches he gathered back from Nagrand, then got to placing them neatly. He took a few steps back to admire his work with a faint grin. His hand slowly raised from his side, pointing a finger at the branches and igniting them with a simple fel fire.

The elf sat himself down to watch the green flame dance about in silence. He seems to have been easily entranced by the simple show. He gently leaned forward to blow on the fire, watching it move away before changing to a red. He grinned to himself, "I'm glad he taught me that trick," he said to no one in particular as he sat up. He smiled at the fire for what felt like hours. Now lost in his thoughts, the elf produced a book and found himself something to write with. He flipped through a few pages before finding a place to begin his writing.

---

These darkened lands are now my home. My grounds. A place where only one would dare to follow me these days. One I haven't seen nor heard from in months.

I can't sit around anymore. I'm tired of being pushed around.

I haven't come to Shadowmoon in over half a year. The last time I was here I was just a simple novice, learning the basics from Aydendril. I wouldn't have dared come here alone then. Guess that proves how far I've come since the days I spent hiding in various locations, crying my eyes out because I was too weak to do anything. I don't want to go back to that ever again. Today I stand strong. I keep my chin up. No more will I cower. I will bend for no one.

I've been through so much through the past year. What have I really learned, though? I've learned to fight and to defend myself, but have I learned anything to improve who I am as a person? I barely remember what I used to be like. Just a kid afraid of everyone and everything around him. I tried to act tough. I spoke crap in hopes no one would fight me to see how weak I really was. I wasn't just a horrible fighter, I was a horrible person too. I ruined a family out of my own jealousy. I ruined something between two others because of my own selfish wants. I'm alone right now and it's my fault entirely. I pushed them away. Maybe this is what I wanted all along.

No one.

I didn't want to be with the family that took me in. I didn't ask for Keyus to buy me off that troll, for Ayden to train me, or for Arilyn to tend to me. I didn't ask for Ralerian to watch over me or for Annabelle to kick me in the backside when I was being a baby. I didn't ask for Larenir to die for me. They did it themselves. I guess they cared about me. Maybe that's what I've really been afraid of the whole time? Someone caring about me? Worrying about me? I've spent so long on my own and when I gained them, I didn't know what to do. And now that I'm here in Shadowmoon by myself, I'm lost without them.

I don't want to go back to them until I learn how to be a better person. How to stop being the crying kid in the back of the room and learn how to be a man who can stand up for something he believes in. What do I fight for? I don't even know myself. Keyus always told me to do what's right. What's right to me, though? I've come to be someone I don't even know anymore. I lost who I was and just became and extension of Keyus. Everything I did was what he wanted, afterall. I guess even though I told myself otherwise, I really am just his slave. I'm fine with not changing that fact so long as I can learn to be my own person.

I won't leave anyone behind again. I'll learn to be my own person. I'll keep all the good I've experienced in my mind and heart as I strive to improve myself in these horrid lands. I will forget no one. Motivate myself with the good, learn from the bad. I can't go wrong with that, right?

[SachikoMaeda]

OOC Note:

Spoiler:

In the middle is an RP between myself and Ozewse translated for much better IC post style. Ralerian and Larenir are Ozewse's characters, Therai is Scout's, and Zalyen is TJP770's.

Trapped. Unable to escape. I don't know where I am. Everything's dark. I can't breathe.

Did I die again?

Why can't I escape this darkness? I have to run. But where? There's nowhere else to go. I have to go to him. He has to be here somewhere. I've been alone for too long now.

The darkness around the elf contorted, shadows twisting into trees as the ground below him became visible. He looked about the slowly forming woods that reminded him so much of the Blackened Woods he had been staying in recently. All around he could hear the gentle notes of a harp being strummed away with great skill. The song was one he knew all too well. It was the only one he knew how to play. It was the other's favorite, after all. But who was the other? He couldn't seem to remember no matter how hard he thought.

All that there was for him was to find the other. He looked around the woods, scanning the trees that surrounded him as he tried to pinpoint the source of the music. He pushed forward with no sense of direction, mindlessly making his way through the dark woods. "He has to be here," he thought as he picked up the pace, "I can feel him." He raced through the trees with grace, almost as if his feet didn't have to touch the ground. As the path bent onwards the trees grew more and more in number and density. He continued through the forest, eventually making his way into the light. He sound himself in an open field surrounded by the dark trees, above him a clear blue sky. The light of the sky seemed to only touch the high green grass of the fields. In the center of the field sat an elf with long black hair playing a large silver harp.

He approached the harpist curiously and carefully. He looked the other elf over silently, his form oddly familiar to him. The harpist's hands moved out of sync with the notes heard around him.

"Is that you?" he asked the harpist. He moved a hand to the other elf's shoulder slowly.

The harpist didn't respond. Once touched, the other elf froze. The air suddenly went cold as the skies turned dark. He looked up to the sky littered with stars, seemingly fixed by the shadows above him. The lights strewn above him seemed to distort the longer he stared at the moonless sky. He did all he could to tear his eyes from the sky only to look to the harpist once again. Though the harpist was gone. An all to familiar laughter broke the silence.

"Why can't you just stay with me?"

He stood in a fog. Staring into the grey cool air. The trees were but distorted shadows now. He walked through the grassy fields for what felt like an eternity. He held a hand forward and tried to conjure a simple flame to illuminate his path, though nothing came to him. He frowned as he failed to light his path, "Where did he go?"

---

Doran walked through the fields quietly, picking the various marigolds he came across. The two days of the Day of the Dead, and he spent the first scouring the fields for the golden flowers. "Why is Ralerian having me pick flowers for him? Today of all days? I've got more important things to try and do," he mumbled to himself as he carefully plucked another marigold from the grass. He raised the flower up to the cloudy sky, twirling it gently between his index finger and thumb. He watched the brightly colored petals with a faint frown, "This should be plenty... Right?"

In his arms he carried well over a dozen of the flowers. A whole day of gathering the spread out marigolds and he finally grew tired of it. He walked through the fields with a quiet hum as he made his way back to the house he had been staying in with Ralerian, Zalyen, and Therai. He kept his eyes down on the grass in case he happened across another marigold. In time the grass became the cobblestone path that winded up to the brick house. He looked up to the red haired elf that awaited him with a sigh. Once close enough, he offered the flowers out, "This good?" he asked as he looked up to the older elf. Ralerian used to terrify Doran beyond all reason, though lately he had began to see him more and more like a father.

Ralerian held up a hand, "They're not for me." For a very faint second, a grin spread across his face. Doran knit his brow together in confusion, "Then why'd you have me get these?" he lowered the flowers faintly. He blinked as Ralerian placed his hands on the younger elf's shoulders and turned him around, "They're for him."

Doran stared down the path, a familiar form making its way up the path. Long black hair. Pale skin. That faint smile. He knew him all too well. He brought a hand to his eyes and rubbed them before looking forward again. It wasn't an illusion or a dream. It was him. It was Larenir. The dark haired elf smiled, "Hello, beautiful."

"You're here."

"Mmhm."

The young elf ran toward the dark haired one, arms still full of flowers, "You!" Once close enough, he held the marigolds out to the other. Larenir gathers them in his arms, and they begin to glow a brighter orange, blossoming buds and flourishing blooms sparkling with otherworldly energies, "Me." Doran quickly moved his arms around the other elf, pulling him close and nestling his face into the dark haired elf's neck. He was solid, but cold. He was still dead, but not undead. Just a spirit that could manifest on this Day of the Dead. "I missed you so much," Doran said, his words muffled by Larenir's neck. The dark haired elf rested his chin on Doran's shoulder, "Really? You shouldn't. I'm with you all the time."

"But..."

Larenir let out a pained sigh, as if struggling with something internally.

Doran moved his face from Larenir's neck. His face was slightly red, obviously trying not to cry, "Why didn't you come back? Urameil and I did." "It's not always that simple," Larenir said as he let his eyes fall shut. Doran frowned faintly as he moved his hands to Larenir's face and squished his cheeks together, "Why not?"

"I didn't want to return to a world where I had failed you."

"You didn't fail me...I failed you! I wasn't strong enough!"

"Don't talk like that. It was my duty to keep you safe."

Doran pulled Larenir back into his arms and pressed a kiss to the other's cheek, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't know... You weren't there. If I was stronger, I wouldn't have died and you and Urameil wouldn't've either." Larenir states rather plainly, "But.. you're strong now, aren't you." The younger elf looked down faintly, "I... I don't know, really."

Larenir snickered, "The Doran I knew before certainly didn't have the courage to show that much leg." The statement made Doran's face go red as he pulled himself away from the spirit, "Ah... You like it?" The dark haired elf looked the other over with a grin, "I love it." Doran gave one of his big, dorky grins as he was pulled into Larenir's arms. The grin was quickly covered with a kiss from Larenir, the feeling of urgency behind it. As soon as he could speak, all Doran could say was, "Don't leave."

Larenir slipped from Doran's grasp and reality all at once. "I could never." His voice whispered along the winds as the light fades along with him. Doran's arms slip, moving to hug himself as snow began to fall. He stood in silence as his gaze slowly moved down to the ground. At his feet sat a lone marigold on the slightly snow covered stones of the path, a faint glow emanating from the flower. He bent over, carefully pulling the flower from the ground between his thumb and index finger. He held it up to the sky again with a faint smile.

---

I've never been so happy to look at a marigold before. I've always been a fan of white lilies. Though this marigold makes me so very happy. It's almost like Larenir's right here with me when I have it. I think I'll wear it in my hair, that way no matter what, he'll be there. I bet that sounds silly, though. I guess I'll hold onto it as long as I can. Aydendril's set on looking for Keyus, though I know Keyus will only show up when he wants to. I'm happy Ayden's back and feeling better, though I know he's going to want to be with Keyus. Do I really want to get back in between them? I don't know.

Larenir always got so angry at me since I still had feelings for Keyus. I still have feelings for him too and I don't think they'll ever go away. Maybe I'm just too young for this. Every relationship I've had or thought I had has been ruined in one way or another. Keyus has Ayden, I pushed Aenin away, and Larenir--

I don't know what to do anymore. Life's changed way too much for me. I'm still trying to process it all.

[SachikoMaeda]

Retconned.