A Cycle of Fear and Loathing

[Esthrunil]

NOTE: Thar be language ahead. There's also some sensitive material, so don't read if you're a bit touchy on some subjects.


Esthrunil swung the door shut behind her, locking it and listening intently as the door clicked, sealed. Noise bubbled in her mind, a scream drowning out all else. It manifested in her stomach, building as a crescendo, flowing through her entire body and causing her fingers to tremble. She stumbled to a seat and collapsed into it under the weight of the howling. It needed to come out. She could barely think straight, anymore.

Insistence. Such so-called pure intentions. Friendship. Feigned kindness. Hollow compliments. For what? Why? Where is the gain?

"What do they want?" The elf spoke calmly to herself, repeating the sentence over and over aloud, rapping her right fist on the side of her head in tune. Finally satisfied, she sat in silence for a great deal of time, holding her head up with her hands, supporting the elbows on her legs.

Why? Why me? Makes no sense. Fools. So much time. So many idle fancies. Such kindness. Why? ... Why? Responded to them. I shouldn't have. Bunch of fools. Either that or devious. And the fucking corpses. Fucking corpses. Devious elves and walking fucking corpses.

"Every- every- every- everyone wants something." She spoke, staring blankly at the floor. She bit her lip at her stuttering and sneered at the ground, biting down harder. The screaming bubbled up and the elf stopped biting down, opening her mouth and letting nothing out.

They will hear. They will come. They will know. No.

The withered husk of an elf closed her eyes, taking a deep breath in through the nose and out through the mouth. With each breath taken during her meditation, nothing was helped. Every moment that passed, the yelling seemed to be suppressed, but shot from her stomach into her lungs, louder and more crippling than before. It was becoming too much to bear within her body - too much to stand. She needed to do something - let it out.

Finally, she broke in. Jumping from her seat, she swung her arms and proceeded to take a stance. Words flowed out of her mouth and finally, she let loose a cone of emerald flame, directed at nothing in particular. She curled it around anything of worth, but kept it going for a good deal of time. She bit her lower lip, hard, as she continued until she felt her wits begin to leave her. When she stopped channeling the spell, nothing was damaged, but she had bitten straight through her lip.

Her arms were trembling, but she didn't feel the howling anymore. She felt... Empty. The casting was cathartic - euphoric, even - but with it over, it left her feeling weak, physically and otherwise.

Failure. Failed. Need to keep your temper. Couldn't do that simple thing. You let everything get to you, don't you?

"I- I- I-..." She stopped speaking, rage bubbling to the surface once more. In a fit of anger, she grabbed for her unwashed dagger, holding the blade up to the side of her neck. She felt the bite of the knife against her skin and began shaking.

Just do it. Come on. Do it. I need to. What's left? Fucking emptiness. Nothing. Can't go on. Another sign of weakness. Should just keep going like nothing's happened. Everything is well.

"I'm... Weak." Hearing the words sent a jolt up her spine. She lowered the dagger, but slammed it into a nearby dining table in a moment of blind fury. She finally felt the weight of her own body, actions and all else as she collapsed into a heap on the ground, deciding to sleep on the floor, bleeding ever-so-slightly from her lip.

She didn't sleep.

[Esthrunil]

"We are rarely proud when we are alone."
~ Voltaire

Doors locked, curtains pulled over the windows. It had been like this for several days. Several very long, and yet very short days. It was hard to explain, really. Each day, as it passed, was moving by excruciatingly slow - and yet, once it was over, it felt as if the day had flown by. The routine was the same - wake up in the late afternoon, lay in bed for a few more hours, get up and stumble through a fourth of a meal, read a little bit, then go back to bed.

Today, Esthrunil had willed herself to creep out of bed perhaps three hours before the sun was to set. There was so much to do in those three hours, though. She needed to eat a meal, but she found herself hardly hungry at all. She needed to finish her rewriting of a book of notes she had in her possession - to send to a recent client, of course. She was fairly certain there was something else to do, but she couldn't remember it for the life of her...

Stupid, stupid girl. Shouldn't have spoken. Talk too much. Too much obligation, now. Finish writing, then need to find time to go out and speak, again. Stupid girl.

She hung her head low in the middle of her meal. She'd finished off what was her appetite at about the third bite, and now everything she ate just made her sick to her stomach. Grabbing a bit of her hair into a clenched fist, she rambled quietly, though hard to follow.

"I- I- I shouldn't have spoken. Now they- they expect me to do- to be someone for them. They expect something of me- always- they always do." She tugged on the hair in her fist, "But why? What do they want? Why- wh- why? Lulling me into believing... Fake. Then getting me to agree to teaching... No."

She shook her head violently, the plate and silverware on the table, clattering. She stood from the chair quickly, the blood rushing to her head. As she stood, a combination of this and her knees being a bit weak caused her to buckle under her own weight and collapse. She stared at the ceiling for a while, the will to do anything bleeding slowly from her fragile frame.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. They have no power. Pretending their intentions are pure... They have no will - no control. I am me, and I am control. They snake their way into the mind. Gain leverage. No. I am better, this way.

She closed her eyes, "I- I- I will not let them. They- they aren't worth it." A nod. She tried to calm down, successfully.

She sat up slowly, nodding, "I am... I am well." She took a deep breath, closed her eyes and began to meditate.

After a few minutes of silent meditation, she began speaking quietly to herself, "Strength in self, weakness in others. Weakness in self, strength in others."

All was still, and all was quiet.